to offer it to you would be cruel when all I want to do is use you

It is so late and I should so be sleeping, but I am suffering from a hardcore case of insomnia. Yikes. I have to be at work in 6 hours. Double yikes.

For some reason, off and on I suffer from a kind of reverse insomnia, I'm able to fall asleep, but I'm not able to stay asleep. Waking up at 2:45 and laying awake for hours while the world sleeps on is one of the most frustrating and irritating things that I've experienced.

Last night, for example, I had a dream that I was marooned on Liberty Island. And more specifically in the statue of liberty's head. My mission was to somehow get back to New York City. Apparently in Tianna Dream Land there are a ton of barriers between Liberty Island and NYC, namely, electrically charged buoys that descend all the way down the dark depths to the bottom of the ocean. Not just one set of these, but many.

In the dream I made it past all but one of the sets. They didn't extend literally all the way to the ocean floor. There was the tiniest bit of free space that i was able to maneuver through. However, when I reached the final set of buoys, I was not able to make it through because those did indeed connect to the ocean floor, and go down even deeper.

Right as my (dream) oxygen supply was dwindling, almost to the bitter end, trapped at the bottom of the sea, I woke up.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Tianna, what do you think about this? What does it mean?" On the other hand, maybe you don't think that dreams mean anything, but this is my blog after all, and I do, so you're asking yourself what it all means.

I think it's really pretty literal here; I feel like I'm trapped under water. I've passed many obstacles, but can't find a way to get where I really want to go. This is not a very primo feeling, let me tell you. Lately, I have such a feeling of apprehension, of nervous energy, and silly unhappiness.

Why, you say? Well, I'll tell you;
1. The winter lasted (and held on) for a disgusting amount of time. Seriously it's been consistently cloudy for 6 months. How does one deal with that? I can't. SAD is real, and it makes me real sad.
2. I keep thinking that I have most of my shit figured out or sorted out or something. At least I might be on the way and then it hits me that I have no idea how to be an adult. I can't cook. I don't buy groceries on a regular basis. I'm not getting enough sleep ever. I work too much. I don't drink enough water. I dress weather appropriate a lot of the time. I'm trying really hard all the time, but sometimes the (almost) unbearable weight of existence really affects me.
3. It's very hard for me to focus on much else when things feel off with someone I care about. That's happening multiple places right now, and I can't help but let it consume way too much of my brain space and energy.

I feel close in so many places, but also so far away. The sun shines for a day and it negates the gray. I get three solid meals and a real night of sleep and I feel like a million bucks. Issues with friends are sorted and almost literal weights are lifted off my shoulders...

but then it all comes back around and I feel anxious again for whatever reason. I'm trying so hard to move past these feelings, really I am. But, it's tough to change the way that you intellectualize things. This xkcd cartoon really succinctly sums it up;

Right?



Really, I am fine. My life is beautiful, I know this. Sometimes it just feels like I need to crawl under my bed for a few days, not deal with the real world, and come out a changed and rejuvenated woman.

You know I'll call you eventually, when I wanna talk. Til then you're invisible.

Friends,

Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching (I almost typed 'rabidly'. Some people probably feel that the imminency of this day is akin to a slobbering, crazed animal). How do you feel about that? Excited? Nervous? Sad? Lonely? 

Please don't misunderstand me here. I am all about love. Love is literally the language of my life. All I want is for people to be good to each other, to love and respect one another, to have love for animals, for the Earth, for anything that they can't understand. You know hippy treehugger kind of love. I believe so strongly in the power of love. And I try so hard to have love in my heart for everyone. That's not to say that I love everyone, just that I attempt to see each human that I interact with as someone worthy of my respect simply because they are another human being trying to figure out the best way to live their life just like me. I'm not successful all the time by any means, but I try. All I'm really saying here is that love is the basis of my understanding of the world, it's very important to me.

With this description of myself it might seem odd that I don't care for Valentine's Day. I don't like how artificial it feels. I love the idea of a day about love, it's great to go out for a fancy dinner with your loved one, to buy chocolates and flowers, to just tell someone how much they mean to you, but it feels so artificial to me. One saturated day of 'love' doesn't make up for prior negligence. If you love someone you should show them that all the time. You should do special things without needing a day to tell you to do so. 

To be fair, I'm a big old hypocrite because on the other hand I'm sitting here wishing that I had a boy in my life that I really cared for, that would buy me a nice dinner and chocolates and flowers, and tell me how much I meant to him. But I don't and I haven't ever for Valentine's Day (that might contribute to the non-affection for the day...maybe a little bit). 

Am I sad to not be in a relationship on Valentine's Day? Kind of, I guess. But, I'm also really happy, and appreciative. 

I appreciate all the boys that ultimately didn't end up with me, they did me a huge favor. I appreciate all the boys that think that I'm smart, and pretty, and funny, and nice, and great, and wonderful, and awesome, and beautiful, and any other flattering adjective that’s been thrown in my direction, but didn’t end up with me. I appreciate them because my experiences with them have run the gamut of the emotional spectrum from bad to wonderful. But most importantly, they've taught me to put my faith in me. Having never been in a 'serious relationship', I know how to be alone. That's what I know. I've had a lot of time to work out understanding myself. I know exactly who I am. 

I think people sometimes misinterpret my less than awesome self esteem as lack of self knowledge. I have had a lot of time to discover many things about myself. I know my high points and my annoying quirks. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I joke too much, I take things too personally sometimes, ya know...annoying stuff. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I know that. And I am so incredibly thankful for that. Knowing how to be on your own is so important. 

Am I saying that there hasn't been a ton of times that I've been bummed about not having a boyfriend? No. There certainly have been. I've cried about it, been crazy confused, felt just on the cusp and had it slip away. That sucks. A ton. It's the worst feeling when something that feels nice and safe and comfortable and exciting just falls apart and you don't understand what happened. Or you keep blaming yourself or trying to find what it is that you did wrong, when really you didn't do anything. The timing just wasn't right, and maybe it's never going to be, maybe it is. And that's the hardest part; you never know. I've deemed this my year of no expectations, meaning that I'm trying very hard not to expect anything from anyone and to rely on myself as much as possible. And to just have fun. 

Kind of in summation; 

Dear boys who have dented my armor, broken my heart, not even given me the time of day,

Thank you. I know who I am because of your lack of interest and that is invaluable. I couldn’t have done it without you. I couldn’t have done it with you either. Really, thanks.

Love,

Tianna

the persistence of memory

Remember when we were all freaking out about Y2K? And by 'all' I mean, you know, the crazies. And I was nine so I didn't really understand the severity of the situation if the worst fears of the fanatics were to come to fruition.

That was silly. Because if everything reset to zero we would really need rolls and rolls of toilet paper and duct tape. We would come by salvation with adhesives and 2-ply.

Y2K was thirteen years ago, scaling back even farther, the earliest memory I have is standing in my crib saying 'daddy! daddy! get me!' I must have been around two. That was 1993. Twenty years ago. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it countless more times throughout my life; I cannot get a solid grasp on the passage of time. It feels like this when I try too hard to make it make sense:

It's challenging to fathom that I have been in existence for almost twenty two years. It feels like forever. It feels like minutes.

You know those points in your life that you wanted to remember as special? You want to always carry with you what it smelled like, the quality of light, the feelings, the sheer bliss of being happily and easily content. Those moments that you will always carry. Your arsenal of safe places and satisfied hearts.

In the nearly twenty two years that I've been alive I've accumulated more of those moments than I feel I deserve. It's been an amazing ride so far and I am and have been surrounded and supported by the most wonderful, beautiful, genuine network of friends a girl could ask for. Sometimes I'm thankful for arbitrary times for reflection such as the beginning of a new year, so that I can call on my arsenal, spend time with many of those great friends, and realize how truly lucky I am to be living the life I have.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting in the past few days/weeks/months a lot of looking back, as you do at the close and opening of a year. I have been here in this apartment with Jessica for a year now and it's been great. Many people tried to advise me not to live with my best friend, that it would change things. Nothing has changed, if anything I feel closer than ever before. It is so comfortable and safe to come home to your best friend. A lot of memories have been made here, a lot of special moments.

JANUARY

New Year's Eve party. My first real night spent in our place. I hadn't moved in yet so none of my stuff was here. It was a great night. Different groups of friends came together and talked and laughed and drank. I love having parties. It feels so good to be in your home, surrounded by your friends, having fun. I had a deep heart to heart on the floor of my not yet furnished room about boys and life and everything with my best friend's boyfriend.

A few days later I moved in and the adventure started.

FEBRUARY

The semester started in January, but February is when it started to grate on me. I started winter biking and was not prepared for the ease with which one can slip and fall off in the ice and snow. I had class Monday through Thursday at 8AM and Friday at 9AM. I worked five or six nights a week. I was beginning to feel tired all the time, like I was being robbed of all my freedom. Despondency begin to set in.

I was asked on a blind date by the friends of a 'nice guy' who spotted me in the cafeteria at Nolte at the U. They 'thought I was adorable' and 'were just wondering if I'd be interested'. That was sweet and cute. I accepted.

MARCH

I went on a few dates and realized that I didn't have the space in my head or my heart to care about the needs and desires of another human being. I realized, with the help of the people that love me, that all of my time was being devoted to school and work and other people and that I was sacrificing my self and my energy because of it. I had a bit of a breakdown. I couldn't work less, and I couldn't cut back on school. But with the root of my problems discovered I started working on focussing on me. I have never been good at this. I've always been very concerned with the needs of others to the point that I spend no time addressing my own wants and needs. It also didn't help that Winter was happening. It never does.

APRIL

Warmth returned to land of 10,000 lakes and the innermost corners of my life. Spring has a way of making me feel like a million bucks like nothing else. It makes me feel infinite and invincible. It makes me feel like nothing can touch me and that I can do anything I set my mind to. The possibility and promise becomes limitless again when the ice and snow melt away revealing the grass that you always knew you'd see again, but left a hole that couldn't be filled by anything but it's return.

I started planning. I started taking time for myself. I started saying 'no' to covering shifts. I started to really smile again. My days stopped feeling like I was behind oily glass with earmuffs on.

MAY

School was out and I turned twenty-one! I celebrated twice, I fell in love with the bartender who most certainly did not have eyes for the ladies, got kissed by a cute (?) pirate-y looking boy, and only threw up once. Successes if you ask me.

JUNEJULYAUGUST

It sprawled and was over in the blink of an eye. It has a way of doing that. My roommate and another one of my closest friends were gone for big chunks of the summer which was a bummer. Other friends had vastly different schedules than me, also a bummer. I was beginning to feel the chills of winter wrap around me even though my apartment was 100+ degrees for weeks. Sometimes it feels like you can't escape its clutches no matter how high the thermostat climbs. And I expected it to be like last summer which was a complete emotional roller coaster full of magic. It wasn't the same. It never is.

I had so much fun though. I spent so many more days and nights with people I love but don't see enough. I went on dates with an alarmingly attractive dude who didn't give a shit. I let some of my emotional baggage go. I sweated in the sun and basked in the glow of Calhoun every day. It was beautiful and brilliant and I wouldn't trade it.

I saw Beirut. I biked under fireworks which felt like they were meant for me. I rollerbladed down hills at alarming rates and was pushed backward by the wind. I spent the fourth of July at a farm with friends and horses. And as the Summer wrapped up I was read to go back to school.

SEPTEMBER

School. My final semester as an undergraduate. Two classes that didn't begin until 4PM only two days a week. It was going to be a breeze. Apocalyptic Literature and a Senior Seminar on pulp novels and communism. Both were fascinating. Both professors were amazing. One of them firstly, gave me a call to help review for the test and then in noticing I sounded sick (because I was) let me do the final as a take home test. If you are now or plan on being a student at the university of minnesota and have the opportunity to take a class from John Watkins, take it. He is a wonderful teacher and person.

OCTOBER

School school school. Work work work. Not doing research on my senior paper. Halloween!

NOVEMBER

Scrambling to pump out fifteen pages of the barest most minimum adequacy for the rough draft of my senior paper.

I got it back and it was just red. And just hated. It deserved to be. 'You know, Tianna, I think you completely missed the point of the article you're arguing against.'

I had two weeks to write a satisfactory twenty page paper on something completely different.

Thanksgiving! This was a time for me to think about all the things that make me happy and all the privileges and wonderful things I have.

I went on some fun dates. And I was happy. Going into Winter I was content, excited, and hopeful that this one wouldn't bring me down like it always does.

I started serving at Tosca, connected to the Linden Hills turtle bread, a new job in an old company. It's familiar enough to not be really scary, but different enough to make things interesting and it's $$$.


DECEMBER

I finished my senior paper, literally minutes before it was due. And that night I graduated. I don't mean to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of the fact that I graduated in three and a half years. The U doesn't seem to think it's that big of a deal because the ceremony for winter graduates is basically the dean talks music generic student speech the dean talks again the end. Anticlimactic. I'm still really proud of myself.

More dates.

A sense of incredible freedom. Not for sixteen years had I not had to worry about school.

Parties and late nights. Lots of these. Lots of fun. Sometimes a little too much.

A bit of a bummer right before Christmas. But a bummer that's probably for the best. You know, the kind that suck, like bummers always do, but are better for you and anyone else involved in the long run?

Christmas! Family and warmth and love and all that.

And then New Year's Eve. What a night that was. So many people packed into my apartment. So many moments I want to keep. So much love. (A little too much alcohol.)

These are just moments from the last year, concrete or less developed that I remember, that I can hold, that make more sense than the idea of time. It was incredible. I feel like I have done more growing up in the last year than ever before.

I even have a college degree now! Well I don't technically because it hasn't been mailed yet, but I will soon!

And I am still not letting the cold and the dark get to me. I am comfortable and happy. I hope you are too.

2012 was growing up and getting out of my comfort zone. It was new experiences and old experiences in a new light. It was crazy, the world almost ended! Remember how that was a thing?

I have four goals for the next year;
1. No expectations
2. Let go of the things I have no control over
3. Plan!
4. Good posture (I don't want no hunch back!)

I hope when you look back on your moments they bring you what you need whether that's cheering up, thoughtfulness, clarity or anything else. I hope 2012 was good to you and I hope 2013 is even better.

Happy New Year!

I can't go back to how I felt before

I've done lots of thinking & evaluating lately, not that this is really out of the norm, but it's been particularly present and evident in the last few weeks. Here are some major thoughts and snippets from recently;

1. I graduated from college. (!) After sixteen and a half solid years of school it happened! I am really proud of myself, but I'm also a little freaked out. Everything has been relatively planned until this point. Through college there was a logical and plotted trajectory. What's beyond is still murky. The freedom of choices before me is incredible, but daunting. I just don't know what I want. I understand that this is a common feeling at my age. At any age. It's hard to know what's right for you sometimes. To be sure of anything.

People have just constantly been asking what I'm going to do now and I don't have a solid answer for them. I can't commit to any one thing. I know I will figure it out and that everything will be fine, but sometimes if I think too hard it feels all nerve wracking and scary.

The essence of number one is that I graduated from college! Soon I will have a bona fide degree in English mailed to my very own home! It's so practical! ...It's not and I know it, but it's what I love & I think doing what you love is incredibly essential to happiness. Duh, Tianna!

2. The last few weeks have been kind of a whirlwind with this being my final semester, getting into the holidays, and finding time to have a social life. This past week I had some sad times (don't worry! I will be fine!) and you know what, that's a big bummer, but it's helped me to realize the network of truly wonderful human beings in my life. How many people there are that really care about me, that only want the best for me and my happiness and that feels amazing. I can't articulate how comforting it is to know that such special & supportive people have my back and are there to pick me up when I stumble. I love them so.

I also had some really great times this past week. Girls night viewing of Love, Actually, and two dance parties in a row! I just am a huge advocate of getting your dance on. Huge. It's the most cathartic! I used to be silly and shy (and I still am about a ton of things), but I've since learned that the dance floor is not for holding back, but for jumping in. Saw some friends that I have hardly crossed paths with since high school, and that was great. Many good times, but these events meant that I haven't been to bed before 4AM or had more than 4 hours of sleep for the past three days. I was officially a zombie at work today. Like a regular undead.

Also, it doesn't help that I drank a bit too much last night (don't worry, I'm 21 and I didn't drive!). Sidenote: Sometimes this is a really bad idea and you will say silly things that you wish you could've kept in your brain and not formulated into very ineloquent and audible speech. Maybe you won't do something like that, but just a head's up, be careful. Mondo headaches when your alarm goes off at 7:30 are also the absolute worst.


3. It's Christmas. What. Come this time every year I am always shocked. I cannot believe that another calendar year is almost over! It feels exciting too. It feels like come December 31st we press the restart button and we all have a chance again, carte blanche, opportunities we didn't get to last year. This of course is true, but this is true all the time! The 31st to the 1st is just Monday to a Tuesday, like any other week, but somehow it has so much more symbolic value and power. Maybe I resolve to not wait until the new year to make changes, but see everyday as a time a new chance to change my way of being in positive and productive ways.


Also, I think I'm getting sick on top of being super exhausted and I have to work all day tomorrow, my life is so hard. I know that it isn't. Basically, I just want someone to make me soup and to cuddle with me and watch my movies and tell me that I will feel better soon. That would be the coolest.

I feel at such a transitional point...maybe. And that's the bit that's making me think the most. Everything could change or nothing. Big changes have already occurred, realizations have been made, and no presents have been bought even though three mall trips were made and Christmas Eve is tomorrow.

These are just brief thoughts, I will try to properly decompress on the past year in the next post.

For now, it's late and I must sleep my dances off and wake up early and work for 8 hours!

Merry Christmas!

And whatever comes through the door, I'll see it face to face

Life has been good to me this past month. The humidity has been annoying, but it's made my hair wavy in a cool way, so I can even appreciate that on some level!

I've had a ton of fun doing all sorts of things. For starters I visited Emma, one of my closest friends, and her awesome boyfriend Jeff, in Chicago. The three of us roadtripped it down, which was great because A. I like them and B. I only had to megabus one way! The whole trip was lovely. On Sunday we met up with our friend Chris, who also happened to be in Chicago for Pitchfork. We had dinner and just hung out which was great.

On Monday, despite the heat, Emma and I were determined to get out and enjoy ourselves. We bussed over to the lake and took a long walk along the shore. The scenery was beautiful and the conversation was of the all encompassing, total honesty, revelatory kind.

After our walk we headed over to the Art Institute, which rocks. We saw the Roy Lichtenstein Retrospective. It was incredible. I've always been a fan of his work, but never before had it moved me that much. I think being able to see a solid selection of someone's work from the beginning to the end of their career gives you a much better idea of who they are as an artist and what's important to them. Really fascinating and intriguing to see. That night we saw 'Beasts of the Southern Wild'. So good. The little girl in that film was incredible. A truly lovely day.

The next day we shopped and watched 'A Clockwork Orange'. And as is always the case, the next morning came too soon and it was time for me to go back home. I will not say much about the megabus other than it's cheap, which I appreciate, but when you forget your headphones you will inevitably have the seatmate that needs to tell you their life story. No matter how clearly you are trying to ignore them.

A couple weeks ago a friend posted a status on facebook saying that she had an extra ticket to see Beirut at the Cabooze. This show had been sold out forever. And of course I wanted to go. I was slightly apprehensive at first because we'd never hung out one on one before and I can get kind of silly and caught up in my own head about things like that. But there was no need for it. We had a lovely time. The night was wonderful. First we went to a benefit to support some of Carly's friends that are walking in the Breast cancer three day (later I found out that I won a free hour long massage from the raffle I'd entered!!). Then we headed over to the Cabooze. It was a beautiful night, the music and the company rocked and when it was over the Aquatennial fireworks went off over downtown. Great night.

And finally the most recent lovely summer night was a birthday party. I met Chris at Pizza Lucé and we wanted to pretend we were on an awkward first date because that's not obnoxious...at all. But it was his birthday and sometimes..I'm obnoxious. It didn't work, we were too comfortable with each other. After dinner, Chris went to the bathroom and the server asked if maybe he'd like a surprise dessert, to which I responded, 'Of course!'. The server was great, first he taped a candle to Chris's beer and then the dessert turned out to be literally five brownies topped with mounds of ice cream and whipped cream! There was just no way two people could've ever split that. Needless to say, we didn't come close to finishing, but it was lovely all the same.

We met up with some of Chris's friends that I didn't know at Muddy Waters after dinner. It's always cool when you can integrate two different groups of friends relatively seamlessly, which I feel was the case that night. I know I had a ton of fun and it seemed like everyone else was as well. We happened to be sitting in the back by the kitchen and I noticed one of the cooks was really good looking. I preceded to tell Addie this and she said 'You should get his number.' I dissented saying that he was at work and that I didn't want to bother him, which was true, but really I'm just kind of shy. So she did it! One of the many reasons that I appreciate her immensely.

After dinner Chris and I were walking back to his car and we passed HUGE theater, decided to say 'hi!' and were welcomed with conversation, free beer and a party invitation. We ended up going to this party and having a great time. I probably knew five people there, but Chris just kept introducing himself and everyone was nice, so it all worked out to be another epic summer night.

All of these good times lately have finally pulled me out of the stupid rut that I've been stuck in for what feels like forever. I got so overwhelmed this winter with work and school and winter. I felt like I had no time to myself. I felt like I was on the verge of falling apart every other minute. I felt bad about myself. I just didn't feel like me anymore. I was unhappy. But as I have gained time and perspective I realize that I will be and am absolutely fine. That I have no reason to feel bad about myself. That just because some boy didn't like me the same way that I liked him that didn't make me unlovable or unattractive or unintelligent. I'm not any of those things. I'm beautiful, smart, funny, and totally worthy of affection. This is not to say that I think I'm perfect all of a sudden. I don't. At all. But, I've finally realized and am able to believe these things about myself. That even through my flaws I am a valid human being. That we all are. And it feels wonderful. I feel like I've been carrying a backpack filled with bricks and sad things all winter and spring and some of the summer that I was unaware of, but now that I've taken it off my smile can really meet my eyes again. And that is an amazing feeling. So, no matter where the rest of this Summer, this year, this life goes I hope I can keep track of how I feel right now.

Found yourself in a new direction, aeons far from the sun

My last post was drab. I was full of ennui. Truly filled with boredom. And then I realized how stupid that was. I reflected on the school year when all I wanted was Summertime. I'm really trying to get out of that 'grass is always greener' mentality. I'm happy with my own grass, damn it! It may not be the greenest or the tallest or the most uniform, my lawn might not win any homeowner's award (is that an actual thing?), but it's natural and beautiful and it keeps growing year after year, right?

Cliché metaphors aside, my malaise was truly unwarranted. I have a wonderful life filled with incredible human beings that make each day worth it. So I have more free time than some of them which equates to more alone time, who cares! I feel like kind of an idiot for actually complaining about that. It's good to have time to yourself. I've been able to read for my own pleasure, something that I wasn't able to do all throughout the spring semester. And let me tell you, I have a lengthy reading list for this Summer that's only getting longer. And I'm so excited about it! Reflecting on my last post, I couldn't understand what had happened to the girl that could smile from ear to ear just because the sun was out and she could feel it's rays gently warming her skin (and insidiously increasing her potential for skin cancer because she always forgets about sunscreen). It's like I forgot about life's simplest joys for a minute. It's like I forgot how miraculous it is that I even get to exist. And even more so that I get to exist in such an amazingly beautiful world, and one of the coolest cities.

I remember now.

I also failed to reflect on my recent birthday, which was great. I even celebrated it twice! My actual birthday was on the 28th of May, which fell on Memorial Day which as is always the case, was on a Monday. I decided that I would just celebrate with my family and then go out with friends on the following Friday. BUT some co-workers and good pals thought that it was a crime that I wasn't really 'celebrating' my 21st on the actual day. So, following a really nice meal (not just food, but conversation and general good times) with my family, these pals, along with a few other friends, celebrated with me. And I truly had a great time with them! I'm glad they made me go out. They were way too generous and wouldn't let me pay for anything. Really made me feel warm, happy, and loved on my birthday.

Many of these same people showed up on Friday along with a few more friends and after another evening of too much alcohol we finally called it quits at four AM, after I'd gotten a kiss from a stranger. I'd say it was a pretty successful, if not slightly out of character, 21st birthday celebration.

I also experienced my first Pride yesterday. The parade was great! It was really cool to see all the politicians, churches, corporations, and regular human beings out in support of equality. I teared up almost immediately. It breaks my heart that some people are so intolerant and scared of anything that doesn't fit their heteronormative view of the world. Obviously, if I am allowed to have my opinion they should be allowed to have theirs. I'm not saying they can't be opposed to homosexuality in their own private lives, but to actually want to amend the constitution so that people who love each other are not allowed to get married, to essentially say that their love, lives, and feelings are not valid because they don't follow the same trajectory as you is awful. I just can't understand why, in a world that can be so bleak and alienating, anyone would want to limit two consenting adults that love each other because they are the same gender. It's incomprehensible. I guess, as kind of corny as it sounds, I wish we could all try to treat each other with a little more respect and open our minds and our hearts to each other. We're all just people trying to make a life for ourselves the only way that we know how.

Yesterday, I got to experience the tail end of the Twin Cities Improv Festival. Awesome. Huge improv Theater is a truly wonderful place. The people that are responsible for it rock and have so succeeded in creating a welcoming space for the community that presents hilarious, insightful improv from talented performers. And more. I've taken three classes there and on top of having tons of fun and meeting ridiculously cool people, I've gained a greater sense of self, been pushed (sometimes way) out of my comfort zone, and gotten more in touch with my inner kid, remembering what is was like when you could just make things up and really believe them without effort, when you could just play. Not to mention, I've volunteered twice recently and been fortunate enough to interact with some more really cool people. I need to get there more often.

Life is good and today is absolutely beautiful. Smiling from ear to ear.

Help me to name it

It's Summer. I should be ecstatic. What do I dream about, talk about incessantly, and practically salivate like Pavlov's dogs over? Summer.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not happy that it's here. I truly couldn't be happier about that. The endless hours of sunlight, the heat, and the freedom that comes with that is wonderful. I don't know if I can adequately express what Winter does to me. Sometimes when it's dark and cold the world feels so desolate and the night feels like it will stretch on forever.

It's like that story by Ray Bradbury where there's a civilization on Venus and the sun is about to come out for the first time in seven years and the only girl that really really needs to see it and feel it's warmth has been locked in a closet by the other children. Some winter nights it feels like I won't see the sun again for seven years. Some nights I feel like that girl. I know that seems preposterous, but sometimes...

So, of course, when Spring and Summer come around again and there is abundant sunshine I am so incandescently happy all the time.

The thing that's making this Summer different is not the weather, but the time.

This semester I had little to no free time most weeks. My schedule was dominated by school, work, and my feeble, exhausted attempts at all the reading I had to do. I would wake up at 6 every morning to bike to my 8AM class and then after school most days (5 or sometimes 6) I would work until 9:30 or 10PM. And by the time I got home I was so tired that I could barely get any of my reading done. I realize that some people do so much more than this and don't necessarily have the privilege of going to college and I fully acknowledge that they are stronger, more dedicated, hardworking people than I am, than I might ever be. I'm not trying to be whiney here, just to offer a contrast.

So now, school is out for the Summer, which is great. I still work 5 days a week, but I like that. I work in the evenings and it seems that many of my friends work or have something going on in the daytime. This equals a lot of Tianna time. I certainly know how to amuse myself and I've been going to different parts of the city, discovering new spots. And it's not like I'm just sitting at home all day every day not doing anything. It's just a stark contrast and I have all this free time that I don't always quite know what to do with. That's all.

Also, I was really looking forward to Northern Spark this year. I had such a great time last year biking around the city with a fabulous group of friends. Naturally, I got my hopes up this year and naturally, they were not met because anticipation sets you up for disappointment. I went to the Stone Arch Bridge, one of my favorite places in Minneapolis, and nothing was happening. Literally nothing. There were just a ton of loud obnoxious people on the bridge that kept hitting me with their bikes. I suppose I could've gone other places, but by the time we were done at the Stone Arch the rest of my crew was ready to go home and I was kind of soured on the whole thing. It sounds like other people had a great time, which I'm glad about because I really wanted it to be great. It just wasn't for me. Maybe next year.

The tone of this makes me sound so discontent, I'm really not. I'm really happy. It's probably just this gray day getting me down.

so many miles and so long since I've left you

Things I can hardly believe; 

1. I will be in Minneapolis in seven days! 

2. It's December and I can comfortably spend significant amounts of time outside in a light jacket.

3. I'm moving into a great apartment with my best friend in less than a month.

I talked with a few friends at home this weekend and as we were signing off I was able to say 'see you next weekend!' I'm so excited about that. So excited. Also sad. Not about being back home, but about leaving. I feel like I've just started to really settle in and be totally comfortable and now I'm leaving. My sentiments are incredibly happy to be coming home, but really sad to leave London. Bittersweet, as it should be. I'll work through my feelings on the experience 'as a whole' later. For now let's talk about this lovely weekend.

Home feels so tangible now. This feeling is made even stronger by the fact that I have now been scheduled at Pizza Biga and Turtle Bread! The fact that I'm going back to work next week is really comforting for two reasons;

A. Because I love my job and the lovely people and experiences that come along with it.

B. I haven't had any sort of income for three months and it's nice to know that I'll be able to get right back into it when I get home.

Friday was Alex's birthday. We hung around his for awhile and then made our way to Soho to dance the night away. Apparently some Friday night's are 70s nights at the club we went to, which we were unaware of, but proved to be really fun nonetheless. There was a main dance floor and a bunch of offshoot groups. And when I say 'groups' generally I mean more than one person, but in some cases one person. There was one guy who was absolutely going to town the entire night by himself. Just truly dancing his heart out. I think that's great. The ability to be that free and have that much fun on your own is so wonderful. So props to that guys and anyone else dancing up a storm by themselves (or in a group). We danced silly and seriously and around 2 we decided it was time to call it a night.

But not before stopping at Subway to satisfy our late night sandwich needs! Because no night out is complete without that. As we ate and laughed about the evening we'd shared, a fight broke out. Which signaled the end of stay. We spent ages (or ten minutes) looking for the 25, the bus that would get us home until we just decided to get cabs. We turned onto the next road to wait for the cabs only to be passed by no less than four 25s. Now at least we know where the 25 runs. I got back around 3:30 and then couldn't fall asleep for ages. What's up with that?

On Saturday I woke up much earlier than I would've liked given the time I finally fell asleep but, that's just the way it is. It was a beautiful day, a bit chilly, but beautiful. Went to a lovely curry lunch with the LGBT society and then since we were in the area my pals and I decided to go to Brick Lane to get some Christmas shopping done. Just beyond Brick Lane is Spitalfields Market. Gold mine. I got four gifts there in the space of half an hour. So good. You know that incredibly satisfying feeling when you see something and you just know immediately that it's the right gift for whoever? Love that. And I wasn't the only one having great successes in the gift department. I have to mention, as well, that this weekend was great simply because it was underscored with a whole lot of laughter. Seriously, so many laughs. In large part stemming from this video.

We walked back from Brick Lane, saw the most incredible full moon, met up with Stevie & Jo, watched a ton more hilarious youtube videos and went to Wetherspoon's for dinner. After dinner Jess and I watched 'Being John Malkovich'. I really appreciate it's oddness and inclusion of John Malkovich. He is such an odd duck in the best possible way.

Yesterday was one of my favorite days of my entire stay. Jess, Emmett, Aniela, and I met Alex at St.Paul's and then we walked over the Millennium Bridge (one of my favorite spots in London). Our mission was to go ice skating. We knew of a market/free ice skating rink close to Tower Bridge. So, we walked from the Tate to Tower Bridge. A couple miles. The 'ice rink' was not real ice and it was the tiniest thing I've ever seen. We walked around the market for a little bit and then decided to try the rink under the London Eye. We walked a few more miles, had lunch, and found out that that rink is £14. No thanks. We walked through that market for a while and continued my 'Pensive Face Series'. This week my mom asked if I could get more pictures of myself in front of iconic London sites for our Christmas letter so I asked my friends to take a bunch of pictures of me while we were out and about yesterday. I never know what to do when it's just a picture of me. I always feel like my smile seems forced. So, I decided that I would do a more thoughtful, contemplative face, which seemed easier and turned into my 'Pensive Face Series'. 

Ice skating was a bust and as fun as it would have been it was really okay because we were having a great day just walking around, talking, and laughing. Since we were out already I asked if we could go to the Tate Britain or the Imperial War Museum because I thought they were both in the general Westminster area, which we'd come upon. The group concurred and after a decent while we found the Tate Britain. Really cool museum. If you're ever in London I would definitely recommend the Tates Modern and Britain. So much laughter in the museum. It was just an all around giggly day. As we were perusing the gift shop it became apparent that Bill Nighy was there!! It was tough to restrain myself from speaking to him, but he was clearly just out and about trying to enjoy a museum gift shop and no one else was bothering him, so I didn't. But, at one point I was 'looking through postcards' but, really just lingering in his general area and he walked past me said 'excuse me' and indicated with his slight, knowing smile, that he knew exactly what was going on. That's good enough for me. 

From the museum we walked to the tube and made it back to Mile End around 6:30. I had a skype session with Emma, always lovely. And then Stevie, Jo, and I had a quick dinner at the 'Lollipop Diner' and then went to see 'Another Earth' at the Genesis Cinema. I tried to see this movie in July and August when it was in Minneapolis and it just didn't happen. Then I found out that it was coming out here in December and was really jazzed about it. Last night I finally saw it and I don't know how to feel about it. Jury's still out. I feel like there was something missing, but I'm not sure what exactly that would be. I think another issue is that it was really built up for me and I've been looking forward to it for months. That can often lead to disappointment in a movie going experience. Like I said, jury's out.

When I got back to the flat I skyped with Jessica from our new apartment! It's great. I can not wait to move in in a few weeks! So exciting and just really nice to talk with Jessica for a good while.

Altogether, such a great weekend and such a great way to spend my last full weekend here. So much time with friends, walking all over the place, laughing constantly, dancing, celebrity sightings, just taking in so much of what London has to offer.

The rest of last week, from Monday to Friday was also lovely. Monday, Aysha and I spent a lot of time putting together the definitive list of cartoons from our childhood but, then we watched an episode of Rugrats and it was magical. I also decided that I'm going to be Chuckie Finster for Halloween next year. I'll probably change my mind like forty times, but I think that would be a fun costume. In the end our cartoon nostalgia fest was more list-making and music sharing than cartoon watching, but a great time was had by all. 

In addition to Being John Malkovich and Another Earth, I also watched Adaptation. and Fight Club this week. Such great films. I hadn't seen Adaptation. Nicolas Cage gives such a great performance. What happened to that guy? Bangkok Dangerous? Drive Angry? Seriously? I just don't understand. But, that's definitely a film worth seeing. Fight Club is also great. Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, Helena Bonham Carter, based on a book by Chuck Palahniuk, how do you go wrong?

Aysha and I met up on Wednesday to 'get work done' but largely to hang out and watch more 90s cartoons. But, the day ended up being much more productive academically. We read the whole of 'Venus and Adonis' out loud. I really enjoyed it. I've always liked Shakespeare but, this class has really made me appreciate how intricately woven his works really are. And I had a ton of things to say in my Shakespeare seminar on Thursday because of how finely we went through each stanza. Way to go team. 

And with that I'm off to explore! 

even if you can not hear my voice, I'll be right beside you

It's December. What? How? In four weeks it will be a new year! I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, 2011 has really been a banner year for me. Absolutely one of the best years of my life. I really enjoyed my Spring semester classes, this Spring and Summer were incandescently beautiful both weather and otherwise, and this whole study abroad experience has been one of the most wonderful things I've ever done. The world has been good to me lately. And for that I am indescribably thankful. I suppose the changing of the year doesn't mean these wonderful times I've been having have to end. The transition from December 31st to January 1st is just a Saturday to a Sunday after all.

And I have so much to look forward to when I get home. Not least of all, the simple fact of being home. Throughout my stay in England I've been asked numerous times whether I would ever move here permanently. I don't think I could. I would love to and plan to come back for extended periods throughout my life, but I don't think I could leave Minneapolis forever. I love it too much. It's the only place that's ever felt like home. London has been so good to me and it will always have a special place in my heart, but I'm coming back to the city I love so well in two weeks and I can hardly wait to see it again. Diamond Lake, downtown, the stone arch bridge, Minnehaha Creek, Turtle Bread, The Mississippi, and all the places that I know and love. I'm still trying to accept the fact that they will probably be covered in snow. It doesn't help that I've been able to run like this;

Seriously. It's December 5th now! The sun is shining and when I finish this post I will be running in an outfit very similar to this and not be completely and utterly freezing. This is a large part of the reason that I almost can't believe that it's December. It's also simply the fact that I only have thirteen days left in London. I will never understand where the time goes. I remember looking at my flight itinerary on the day that I left and seeing 'next trip: 93 days' and feeling like that would be ages. But, it wasn't. Eleven weeks have gone by so quickly. I know that these last two weeks will speed by especially because they will be filled to the brim with schoolwork, movies, many hangouts, and my final frantic efforts at tourism.

Last time I checked in I had just had a wonderful Thanksgiving meal with the crew. The rest of that weekend was mellow. On Saturday night Stevie and I saw Breaking Dawn. If you're not keeping score, that was my second time. Yikes.

I woke up on Sunday, looked in the mirror and realized just how much my hair has been annoying me lately. It was at such an awkward length. I was considering growing it out but, I really enjoy having short hair and I can grow it out any time. So, I went to Westfield, waited at 'Supercuts' for about 40 minutes (because you can't make an appointment for some reason) and got a really satisfactory £15 haircut! Later that evening Jess and I watched Stuart: A Life Backwards, a poignant film that I would highly recommend.

On Monday Stevie and Jess and I were having coffee in Ground and it hit me just how much I will miss them and the coffee shop and everything about this place (except the iffy toilets and the really late night party noises). I decided that I'm going to bring a cup home with me from Ground so that when I am skyped in for study sessions (which must happen) my coffee cup will fit right in.

A few days previous I'd been chatting with my mom and she enquired if I'd received a package recently. No, I hadn't. I checked my mailbox and there was a royal mail notice stating that they had attempted to deliver a package on Friday, but I wasn't in. Although oddly, this notice was in my mailbox on Sunday. Curious. It continued that my mail was waiting for me at Whitechapel Post Office. So, on Monday afternoon I walked over there to pick it up. The walk from my dorm to that Post Office is a very easy one. I walk out the door cross Mile End Road, take a right toward central London, and walk for about a mile. It was a lovely little walk. The sunset was producing the most beautiful colors, my ipod was shuffling to the best music, and I realized how much I will miss walking out my front door and being able to see The Gherkin and Canary Wharf. I was so content. The mood was improved for two reasons; 1. I saw a CORB 2. The package from my parents was a whole heck of a lot of Belgian chocolate. Epic win. It was so so so good and so so so appreciated.

After picking up the chocolate Aysha, Kelsey, and I watched 'Short Circuit'. Have you seen this movie? I'm so unsure what it should be rated. It seems like a children's movie because it's about an amicable robot, but there's a lot of swearing and innuendo. It was very sweet, kind of a like a more adult version of WALL-E.

It sounds like my Monday was going great, right? And it really was, yet I still managed to be in a bumming mood after the movie. I think it has a lot to do with the fact there is full darkness at about 4:20 and that makes me sad. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, but sometimes the dark and the cold just bum me out. So I stayed up late with pals talking and laughing and eating way too much chocolate.

After Modernism, as always, I enjoyed Tuesday Chats with Kelsey, Aysha, and Jackson. That evening I had the most epic skype session with Addie, which really pushed away all remaining remnants of my bumming mood. And I hadn't received any sort of feedback on any assignments until this week (which was contributing, more than a little, to my stress). I've gotten two grades back now and I've done absolutely fine, which was very comforting. One of my seminar leaders even said that my paper was 'beautifully written' and that I should be proud of myself. That really meant a lot coming from him. He's so hard to read, I had absolutely no idea what kind of a grader he would be, so that was quite a relief.

On Wednesday I didn't have class because many of the lecturers were striking to preserve their pensions. A lot of people were stationed at the east gate which I have to go through if I want to leave or return to campus and my room. I had a lot of things to do that morning so I crossed the picket line like eight times...whoops. One of these crossings was to go to the tube to meet Aysha, Sumaya, and Jackson in South Kensington and go to the Victoria & Albert Museum. They had a postmodernism exhibit which was generally kind of ridiculous, but also a bit cool. The rest of the museum (that I managed to see) was really neat and I definitely plan on going back next time I'm here. We had dinner outside and walked around by the Royal Albert Hall and appreciated what a cool building it is and what an amazing city London truly is.

On Thursday night Alex, Jess, and I went to see Aniela in Queen Mary's production of 'Uncle Vanya'. Very good, but very depressing. Friday and most of the day Saturday there was a lot of actual school work being done. But, on Saturday evening Stevie, Jo, Jess, and I went to Jo's dad's gig in North London. Such good times. The music was great, the company was lovely, and the location was cozy. I can't really ask for much more than that. Following that we went to the 'Scout Hut' which generally is a place for the boy scouts to have meetings, but every first weekend of the month (I think) it turns into a rockin' dancetaria (mostly) for awesome middle aged hippies. So good. So so so good. By the time we were ready to leave the tube had stopped running so Jo's dad called and gave us money for a cab. So kind. The cab ride was equal parts cool and terrifying. On the cool side of things we drove through a lot of London to get back to campus, great to see. I had a moment of utter contentment; being with friends I love, appreciating a beautiful city at night. On the other hand, the driver was driving like 70 miles per hour...the whole time. Terrifying. But, we made it back safely.

Yesterday Aysha, Sumaya, Jackson, and I met up in Highgate, a really beautiful area. We found highgate cemetery, where people like Marx and Mark Twain are buried, but it cost money to get in which we found preposterous and would not pay on principal. It was so beautiful though. We had to walk through a gated community to get there which also irritated me a bit because really, you need to gate yourself in and other people out? It was worth my slight irritation, the views were incredible. We could practically see all of London laid out. From Highgate we walked to Hampstead Heath. So green, so full of cool gnarled trees, and so many great views. It was a truly beautiful, lovely day.

Last night Stevie, Jo, Jess, Alex and I watched 'Serenity'. I need to watch it again. I really enjoyed it, but I was falling asleep throughout the whole thing and that's no way to truly appreciate a film. This has been my life lately.

And now, my friends, I'm going to meet Aysha for a nineties nostalgia fest in which we watch cartoons and shows from our youth. So jazzed.

We live in a beautiful world

You know what I'm not thankful for? When Safari crashes and loses my almost finished blog post about the last ten days of my life. Let's try this again.

Last time I posted I was avoiding a paper and feeling incredible excited about Emma's rapidly approaching visit. Thursday the 17th was spent in largely the same way. Except, I finished one of the two papers! We weren't entirely sure what time Emma would arrive on Friday. I have class from 10-12 and we thought it would be somewhere in there. Turns out it was sooner! As I was returning from my morning run who should be standing in the lobby but Emma J. Mayer! So exciting! We freaked out a bit and then I had class and then we had coffee and freaked out some more. We hung out with Jess and Stevie for a while and my two worlds collided in the best way possible. It's nice that my friends from different geographic regions could experience each other.

In the afternoon we went to the Tate Modern and wandered around by St.Paul's and the Thames. This is one of my favorite spots that I've experienced in London and Emma really appreciated it as well. It's always satisfying and nice when you're sharing something with someone and it's well received. We decided that we would make a nice dinner and I would work on my paper. We attempted to find a grocery store in the area and in doing so we stumbled on Occupy London. So many people. So many tents. So many signs. A library! So cool to see. This whole movement is amazing; people coming together, peacefully to bring about change. Emma and I were getting a bit emotional as we often will and then something happened that was really angering. At first glance it seemed that a man had almost tripped over one of the tents. And as he kicked a second tent it was clear that he hadn't tripped. Before I could stop myself I said 'are you kidding me?' He turned around and glared, but stalked off, muttering. It's fine if you don't agree with the Occupy movement, but you don't have to something like that. That man was clearly in his fifties. You're an adult, act like one.

We found a Tesco which had everything we needed. We got back to the flat, made dinner and I 'worked on my paper'. It's hard to get any work done when you're excited and it feels like you're on vacation.

We planned on getting up early because our train for Paris left at 8AM. Fortunately there was no need to set my alarm because the fire alarm went off at 5:30. That is something I will not miss about living in a dorm...among other things. We were up and ready to start our weekend in Paris adventure!

When we got to St.Pancras to catch the train I thought that we would have much more time than we ended up having. There's this whole security process that you have to go through. That was not what happened when I went to Scotland so I wasn't expecting it. Good thing we got there early enough. After security we boarded the train. And it was much too early in the morning for my face to be captured on film.

 I still hadn't finished my paper so I brought my laptop and worked most of the way through the two hour train ride. It's amazing the amount of writing you can get done when the internet can't be accessed. Fortunately, Emma had no school work to finish and was able to catch a bunch of nice shots of the countryside. I really enjoy traveling by train. It's relaxing and it's great to see the country going past your window.

When we got to Paris we took out some Euros which proved to be much more difficult than it should have been. Money in purses, and metro day passes purchased we headed to our hotel. There were people jamming on the metro, which I really appreciated. We got to our hotel, picked up our room key and conversed a bit with a particularly hilarious employee. There was a spiral staircase, which is always picture worthy. We dropped off our stuff and attempted to plan the rest of the day. The only thing thing that I wanted to do for sure was go to the Louvre. We agreed that we would go there and then make our way to the Eiffel Tower and wherever we made it in between and afterward would just be part of the adventure. We had so little time that we wanted to be as spontaneous as possible, just wander and see what we could see.

We stayed right next to this ancient Roman amphitheater. Apparently gladiatorial events took place here in the 1st century! Also, the weather was absolutely perfect for our entire stay. In fact, the weather has been good to me throughout this European adventure and for that I am incredibly thankful.

We got back on the metro and made it to the Louvre area. Here is a bit of an embarrassing, but amusing admission; it took us forever to figure out how to get inside. Until finally we asked someone and he told us that the entrance was in the pyramid. Right! I totally knew that. The Louvre is huge. There really wasn't enough time to se everything it has to offer, but I really enjoyed everything that we did manage to see. Especially this image of two girls on an epic adventure ; )

And finally I can say that I've seen the Mona Lisa. It's always interesting to see something so iconic because I never quite know what my reaction will be. It's ranged from underwhelmed to disbelief to an inability to speak. This time I was just excited. Her face always has always looked, to me, like she's in on a joke that we aren't. It's a bit eerie. I love it. This is the best shot I could get. I was in the front and everyone and their mom was trying to elbow past me. Because, obviously, waiting isn't an option.

After the Mona Lisa we went where our feet took us and saw a lot of classical, unique, and just cool art. Unfortunately, the Egyptian wing was closed, I'm all about Egyptian art and artifacts. Next time.

I really appreciate museum gift shops. Many of the potential purchases are ridiculously overpriced and insane, but you can also find some true gems. For example, Le Petit Prince for 6 Euros! One of the few books I can successfully read in French. And the exchange rate is better from dollars to euros than dollars to pounds, so I felt a little better about all the purchases that didn't take place in England.

We walked outside and saw the Arc de Triomphe in the distance. The distance from the Louvre is very deceptive. It's a straight shot so it looks like it's a few blocks, but it's really about two miles. Two beautiful, sunset-y miles. The walk took us through the Tuilerie

Garden, and then along the Champs-Elysées.

The Eiffel Tower came into view which, had we not felt like we were in Paris before, made it shockingly evident. There was an outdoor market most of the way between the Louvre and the Arc. It was comforting to see all the people wandering through the streets, going about the their lives. A city alive is one of the most beautiful things.

A crowd was assembled and we were curious. We stopped and got to see these four men break dancing like it was the easiest thing in the world, for about twenty minutes. They were amazing. And clearly having so much fun. They stood on their heads and were up again in one fluid motion. I can't imagine being able to move my body like that.

 After marveling at how triumphant the Arc is, we walked to the Eiffel Tower. Which effected Emma more than she thought it would. It's that thing about icons, you just never know. Sometimes they don't even feel real because you've seen them so many times you can't believe you're finally seeing them in reality. I've seen the Eiffel Tower once before, but it's still really cool. I like it a lot. The Seine and the lights are beautiful.

When you stand where we're standing in this picture, get ready for eight thousand people to ask you to take their picture. Which could be annoying, but isn't because it's cool to take a picture of people that you know will be really special to them. It's like you were a part of that moment.

That night was wonderful. After seeing the sites we got back to our hotel and had a successful conversation in French with the man at the desk about where to find vegetarian options.

We stumbled on this little place a few blocks from our hotel that looked inviting and cosy. It was small and the walls were yellow (and covered with pictures) it's vibe reminded me of Pizza Biga which simultaneously made me happy and miss home. Our waiter was lovely, so personable and friendly.

We had a true French meal (mostly) with wine and that lasted for two hours. We had a first course. I had camembert, walnut, spinach, and tomato salad, and Emma had French onion soup. Then our second course was a delicious four cheese pasta. And upon my admittance that I'd never had a banana split our dessert was decided. Such a tasty meal, but so so filling. Beyond taste, we had deep talks and tons of laughs. It was lovely.

The waiter urged us to come back and to bring our friends if they were nice like us. He was adorable.

We walked out of the restaurant and got a little lost, which was more exciting than it probably should have been. It was nice to be lost in Paris and have to work our way out of it. I kept hoping that a car door would open and I would be ushered in by Ernest Hemingway, alas, no 'Midnight in Paris' moments for me. Side note; if you haven't seen that film, it's wonderful. We made it back to the hotel and fell asleep still talking. The best way.

The next morning we got up and checked out. We had a breakfast of croissants and coffee at a little café a few blocks from our hotel and discovered that many things are closed on Sundays. We decided to soldier on and see what we could find. We walked a few more blocks and saw a spire and stained glass window. 'That looks like a cool church' we said. And then realization dawned on both of us that what we were calling a 'cool church' was in fact, Notre Dame.

Such a beautiful building. Regardless of religious affiliation, the architecture has to be appreciated. We appreciated for a good while, both the church and the sun. Close to Notre Dame there were shelves and shelves of books and other potential gifts ; ) We spent a long time working our way through that area. But, I'm always a fan of looking through books at a leisurely pace.

When we got back to London, I was going to finish my paper and then we were going to see Breaking Dawn (because you know...). I looked up the times and saw that there was 10:40 showing. Of course it took a bit longer to finish my paper than my optimistic estimate, but I got it done. And was quite satisfied with it in the end. We walked over to the Genesis Cinema all excited to be girly and geek out over Robert Pattinson for a few hours, but the Cinema was closed. It seems I read the time wrong and the movie was at 8:40, not 10:40. Fail. We then tried to go to Wetherspoon's but they were closing. Strike Two. We decided to just come back to my dorm have epic chats and start fresh in the morning. Success!

We got up on Monday and went to Petticoat Market, very near Brick Lane. It wasn't open yet so we decided to traipse through Brick Lane first. We went in and out of a bunch of vintage stores and ended up with some great purchases. I got three dresses and Emma got some awesome, unique pieces as well.

One of the stores we went to had an in-store cat, which I loved. And at another they were playing Bright Eyes, which I also loved. There's also a ton of great graffiti in that area as well.

After clothes shopping, we went over to Baker Street on the Metropolitan Line, which I hadn't taken until Monday! We went to the Beatles Store and the Sherlock Holmes museum which is located at 221B Baker Street. I have to read those books. Especially after being in London for three months.

The Beatles Store was so full of stuff. They had everything from playing cards to autographed photos (which were going for about £1500). It felt good to be there, surrounded up those four familiar faces and lovely music. The Sherlock Holmes museum also had a good vibe, and when I say 'museum,' I mean, gift shop. We didn't actually go in the museum itself, but the gift shop was great. It was just a turn of the century style house and all the items were worked into the house, it didn't look like a gift shop. All the people working there were also dressed like the time. And the toilets flushed by chain.

After this I had hoped to go to Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park, but the sun was already down and it seemed like they were closed. Disappointment.

We did, however, have dinner at Wetherspoon's and Emma ordered us drinks. Which was exciting for all involved. After dinner we successfully made it to Breaking Dawn and it was the cinematic masterpiece we anticipated.

The next morning we woke up at 5:15 and took the tube to Heathrow. Which is a really easy process, reassuring because I will be making the same journey in three weeks (!!!) I saw Emma safely through security and headed back here. On the way back I couldn't stop thinking about how quickly five days had gone by. It was such a lovely weekend but everything is always too fast. The intensity was amplified because before I came to London there were two things I knew that were absolutely, for sure happening; I was going to see Demitri Martin in October and Emma was coming around Thanksgiving. Both of these things have now passed and I can hardly believe how quickly they came and went.

The rest of the week has flown by as it always does. On Tuesday after class, Kelsey and I went to the Whitechapel Gallery. We were supposed to be observing and responding to this Rothko painting that was really nothing more than colors to me. I don't get Rothko, I'm sorry, I just really don't. The gallery was small, but there were some cool sights and the gift shop was nice.

On Wednesday night the crew went to Wetherspoon's for dinner and had an all around good time. And on Thursday, my lecture was cancelled, I scored big time at the Farmer's Market, and Stevie's mom came to visit!

Yesterday, my pals and I put together an incredibly successful Thanksgiving meal.  Most of us are vegetarian so we made a Portobello pot pie, which turned out perfectly and I was so proud of it. We also made a chicken, for those among us that eat meat. There was wine, incredibly good yams, mashed potatoes and green beans. And for dessert; Cheesecake and Chocolate Tart. It was just so lovely. The meal took a long time to prepare and to cook, it's nice to be in the kitchen with friends, laughing and talking for hours.

This year, and always I am thankful for so much, but mainly, for this incredibly amazing life that allows me to do simple and fantastic things independently and with all the beautiful, wonderful individuals that I am lucky enough to call friends (and family) and to be able to see the world from such varied vantage points. And you, whoever you are, reading this right now, thank you so much for being in my life. Thank you for everything.

I'm the weekend warrior

You know how sometimes you should really be working on a paper, but you 'need' to check everything else on the internet that may have notified you of something, before you get back into writing?

Yeah, that never happens to me either ; ) We're all much more disciplined than that. 

Right now, I'm lounging in Ground Café finishing a particularly delectable soy latté. I like it here. Contrary to what the fact that I'm writing this blog post and not writing my paper will suggest, it's a good spot for getting work done. It's noisy, but not distracting. I think that's necessary for me to focus. If I'm just sitting in my room and it's relatively quiet my mind wanders way too far away from the task at hand, way too easily. And often if I listen to music while I'm trying to read or write, I get too wrapped up in the music and can't concentrate on what I'm doing. So, this is perfect.

Also, I left Minneapolis two months ago! Can you believe that? I can't. It feels like I've been here for a decent amount of time, but I can hardly concede that it's been two whole months. This also means that I will be back in one month! And there is no shortage of things to do during that time, schoolwork and otherwise, so we all know it will go by way too fast. 

It's gotten the slightest bit more chilly in the past few days. Not cold. Just chilly. But, the all too familiar Winter dread is seeping into my soul. I've given myself the 'Tianna you have SO many things to look forward to this Winter' pep-talk a number of times, I think I've even blogged about it, and I know it's true. I just don't think I will ever be able to like the cold. Ever. It's hardly even cold here, now and even by the time I leave it won't be that cold, not like home. So, sorry in advance if I'm particularly vocal about my Winter woes this year. I'll do my best to keep it to myself and smile, smile, smile. Warmth is totally a state of mind. I'm going to keep telling myself that and hopefully, when I need it to be, it will be true.

The last week has been full of reading. It was, after all, 'Reading Week'. And I didn't completely ignore that. There were a few moments last week where I was a bit, I wouldn't say homesick because that's too extreme, but a bit like 'Hey, Minneapolis, I would be more than okay if you were in my life right now'. Since we didn't have classes last week, following our Scotland trip most of my friends spent some time at home with their families, which meant; A. They weren't here (obviously) & B. I wanted to be home spending time with family, which is not an option for another month. But, I had a really nice conversation with my Dad and a really solid Skype session with my best pal and my spirits were lifted a whole heck of a lot. 

On Saturday Aysha and I went Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park. So. Beautiful. Just absolutely gorgeous. I want to be there all the time. It was just so green and lovely. There were so many trees that looked like they were inviting you to climb them. We walked for most of the afternoon. Made a brief detour at the Serpentine Gallery, which had been really talked up for both of us and honestly wasn't really much of anything...but that's okay. It's inevitable that everything will not live up to the hype surrounding. The parks were lovely enough. We also went to Urban Outfitters where I bought myself a nice knit hat. And a birthday gift for my pal, Stevie. The evening was spent among friends as well, celebrating Stevie's birthday and just hanging out. An altogether lovely day.

I'm also registered for Spring semester and am genuinely excited about all of classes! I'm taking American Literature, British Literature, Greek & Roman Mythology, and Poetry Writing. AND both Mythology and Poetry writing are 1000 level classes. Which will be really nice. Plus I'm just really excited about both of them. I've written a decent amount of poetry, but never with any real direction or much critique so, I think this class will be a lot of fun and will hopefully be beneficial for my writing. The only issues I have with this otherwise awesome schedule are; 

1. Monday through Thursday I have class at 8AM. I'm not all too jazzed about biking to the U four days a week before the sun has risen, in the cold.  But, taking this class from 6-8PM two days a week was the only other option and that was not happening.

2. On Thursday I have a four gap between classes. Not that big a deal, and once the weather is warm it will be lovely to sit outside and work for a few hours. I generally like to have a more compact schedule though. 

Altogether good, these are the only issues and they're not even that bad. So, I'm pretty happy.

I saw 'The Rum Diary' on Sunday evening. I'd heard mixed reviews and I suppose I understand. It gets a little slow at times, but I mostly I really enjoyed it. It made me laugh and snort a few times. Anything that does that is good in my book. And it starred Johnny Depp, which is never a bad thing, except in the rare instances of things like 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' because, let's be honest, Gene Wilder is the only Willy Wonka we ever needed. 

Stevie, Jess, and I took a nice Canal walk this afternoon. I really am going to miss that Canal when I leave, not to mention those two wonderful human beings. It just has so much character as does London in general. This is a wonderful place.

Now, I must write for academic purposes. I will be relatively busy this weekend as my best pal, Emma is coming to visit! And we are heading to Paris for the weekend. So. Excited. (But, also, no time for schoolwork, hence the end of my post).

We are stardust. We are golden. We are billion year old carbon.

The last couple of days have been nice and relaxed. Just what I needed after an epic Edinburgh weekend and six weeks of school. In usual Tianna fashion I'm finding it challenging to process how fast time goes by. Because usually when I'm in a moment or a day it doesn't feel like it's speeding along. Then when I stop and think that next week I'll have been here for two months, my brain can hardly compute that.

And Emma is coming to visit me, next Friday! I've been looking forward to this since she bought her ticket in July. I can hardly believe that she's going to be here next weekend. I'm so excited to see her. It's really perfect timing on her part as well. The following week is Thanksgiving and although my pals and I are having our own Thanksgiving feast that weekend (which I am so looking forward to), I think this will be the time that I will most want to be home. Luckily, a bit of home is coming to me and my friends are wonderful. Also, Emma and I are going to Paris for the weekend. Just a bit excited for that as well ; ) 

I was looking at the list of things I want to do and/or see before I leave and it hit me that I will probably not be able to do all of them. At first I was not okay with that and thought about devising a schedule to make it all happen. But then I realized that it's okay if I don't see everything. London isn't going anywhere. I know that I will be back here as many times as I can be and the items that remain on my list provide all the more incentive for my return.

Tuesday was gray and dismal looking. Really the first day that I felt epitomized stereotypical London weather. I was feeling kind of lethargic and when the weather is like that it's hard to be motivated to do anything. But, Emmett and I had made plans to take the bus to Asda (a Supermarket with a greater selection). After forcing myself out of bed (I haven't had one of these lazy days in a long time so I was milking it a bit) we walked to the bus stop and of course, got on the wrong bus. This ended up being fine because we were through a part of the city I had yet to see and after about 30 minutes we saw a bus stop for the bus we were supposed to be on. We got on the D6 only to find that it was going back toward Mile End and away from Asda. Oh well. 

Having utterly missed Asda we decided to go to Sainsbury's which is only a 15 minute walk. Following our grocery outing we concluded that it was the perfect weather for a film. So we joined Jess and watched Galaxy Quest. I love this movie. So much. It has great associations for me. Firstly, it's a Pilipovic family favorite. We quote it all the time at home. Secondly, it reminds me of a fun evening spent at Cheapo being way too amused by everything, including but, not limited to a Billy Ray Cyrus VHS for $2.00 and then watching Galaxy Quest at Lizzie's. Many good memories. Made me miss home. Then I talked with my parents, which was nice and alleviated a bit of the missing while slightly increasing it, if that's possible. As amazing as this experience is, it will be nice to be home and see all your beautiful faces in five weeks and the city I love so well.

Yesterday Emmett, Jess, and I walked to Brick Lane. It's about two miles from Queen Mary, literally straight down Mile End Road and then one block right. We had some great vegetable curry and naan for lunch. There's a guy outside each restaurant trying to tell you that their curry and their deal is best. Seriously I think each restaurant had a sign boasting their 'award for best curry'. It was REALLY good so I can't complain. We wandered through, looked in a few different shops, and I spent more than I wanted to on music and books, but is anyone honestly surprised by that?

Last evening Jess, Alice, and I met up to take the tube to Tuffnell Park (a place I hadn't yet been in London!). I'm always excited when I'm taking the tube to a new stop or riding a line I haven't yet been on. We saw Andrew O'Neill (the same Andrew O'Neill who lead the Ripper walk that I went on last month!) at this pub called The Hideaway. The venue was nice and cozy and I got a bit tipsy from cider, only a bit though, I swear I'm not as much of a lightweight as you're now thinking (I probably am). They also had wood-fired pizzas which were delectable and reminded me how much I'd love a Pizza Biga pizza. Soon, very soon.

The stand-up was hilarious and apparently he was recording for his new cd. So if you purchase or listen to Andrew O'Neill's new cd (whenever that comes out) my boisterous laughter will be a part of your listening experience. Good times.

Today I am going to get reading done. I am going to write more letters. I am going to be responsible and on task. And maybe watch an episode of Dexter and House and check my email and facebook way more times than is necessary, as you do.