I can't go back to how I felt before

I've done lots of thinking & evaluating lately, not that this is really out of the norm, but it's been particularly present and evident in the last few weeks. Here are some major thoughts and snippets from recently;

1. I graduated from college. (!) After sixteen and a half solid years of school it happened! I am really proud of myself, but I'm also a little freaked out. Everything has been relatively planned until this point. Through college there was a logical and plotted trajectory. What's beyond is still murky. The freedom of choices before me is incredible, but daunting. I just don't know what I want. I understand that this is a common feeling at my age. At any age. It's hard to know what's right for you sometimes. To be sure of anything.

People have just constantly been asking what I'm going to do now and I don't have a solid answer for them. I can't commit to any one thing. I know I will figure it out and that everything will be fine, but sometimes if I think too hard it feels all nerve wracking and scary.

The essence of number one is that I graduated from college! Soon I will have a bona fide degree in English mailed to my very own home! It's so practical! ...It's not and I know it, but it's what I love & I think doing what you love is incredibly essential to happiness. Duh, Tianna!

2. The last few weeks have been kind of a whirlwind with this being my final semester, getting into the holidays, and finding time to have a social life. This past week I had some sad times (don't worry! I will be fine!) and you know what, that's a big bummer, but it's helped me to realize the network of truly wonderful human beings in my life. How many people there are that really care about me, that only want the best for me and my happiness and that feels amazing. I can't articulate how comforting it is to know that such special & supportive people have my back and are there to pick me up when I stumble. I love them so.

I also had some really great times this past week. Girls night viewing of Love, Actually, and two dance parties in a row! I just am a huge advocate of getting your dance on. Huge. It's the most cathartic! I used to be silly and shy (and I still am about a ton of things), but I've since learned that the dance floor is not for holding back, but for jumping in. Saw some friends that I have hardly crossed paths with since high school, and that was great. Many good times, but these events meant that I haven't been to bed before 4AM or had more than 4 hours of sleep for the past three days. I was officially a zombie at work today. Like a regular undead.

Also, it doesn't help that I drank a bit too much last night (don't worry, I'm 21 and I didn't drive!). Sidenote: Sometimes this is a really bad idea and you will say silly things that you wish you could've kept in your brain and not formulated into very ineloquent and audible speech. Maybe you won't do something like that, but just a head's up, be careful. Mondo headaches when your alarm goes off at 7:30 are also the absolute worst.


3. It's Christmas. What. Come this time every year I am always shocked. I cannot believe that another calendar year is almost over! It feels exciting too. It feels like come December 31st we press the restart button and we all have a chance again, carte blanche, opportunities we didn't get to last year. This of course is true, but this is true all the time! The 31st to the 1st is just Monday to a Tuesday, like any other week, but somehow it has so much more symbolic value and power. Maybe I resolve to not wait until the new year to make changes, but see everyday as a time a new chance to change my way of being in positive and productive ways.


Also, I think I'm getting sick on top of being super exhausted and I have to work all day tomorrow, my life is so hard. I know that it isn't. Basically, I just want someone to make me soup and to cuddle with me and watch my movies and tell me that I will feel better soon. That would be the coolest.

I feel at such a transitional point...maybe. And that's the bit that's making me think the most. Everything could change or nothing. Big changes have already occurred, realizations have been made, and no presents have been bought even though three mall trips were made and Christmas Eve is tomorrow.

These are just brief thoughts, I will try to properly decompress on the past year in the next post.

For now, it's late and I must sleep my dances off and wake up early and work for 8 hours!

Merry Christmas!