everything's in order in a black hole

Sometimes I feel like my mind is aging in reverse.

The older I get, the more and more I feel that anything is possible. I feel like that limitless sense of wonder and acceptance, usually reserved for children is expanding instead of slipping away. And maybe that's how it is more often than I know. This isn't what I thought growing up would be like though. I'm glad my perceptions were wrong.

A few days ago I had a scary movie night with a friend and our conversation worked its way to the subject of "intelligent life", and the probability of its existence. This question has always baffled me, not in the sense of a "yes" or "no", but more of the "how" and "where" aspect. I've always believed in the "yes".

After taking Astronomy last year I have a better framework to understand my reasons for saying yes. I know I've ranted a bit about Astronomy before, but, what an interesting, mindblowing class. So, here's how I see it, the closest star to us is the Sun, which is 93 million miles away. The closest star beyond that is 4.3 light years. A light year is the distance light can travel in a year. In 8 minutes light can travel 93 million miles, in a year....so much farther. Every single other star that you see in the night sky other than these two, are farther away than 4.3 light years, some significantly so. My point is that the Universe is a HUGE place and the idea that we are alone in this infinitely large expanse is, frankly, preposterous to me and much more unsettling than the notion that we are not.

In one of our lectures my Professor showed a slide of a picture featuring hundreds of galaxies and I thought to myself, "I wonder if somewhere in this picture, in one of these galaxies there are beings, like me". Then I had a mental image of others looking at a picture like I was looking at, containing the milky way and wondering if somewhere in that picture in one of those galaxies, there was life.

The more and more I think about this the more likely it seems to me (not necessarily the mental image bit, but the rationale bit).

Switching gears, I just checked my grades for roughly, the thirtieth time in the past three days and they are finally(!) all posted. I somehow managed to get an A in the one class that I was really unsure about and finished the take home final essay for about an hour before it was due. I'm not complaining though, not at all. Just a little shocked.

Also, I really want to take Sign Language next semester, but I've already registered for 4 classes and 5 just seems like a lot. Three of the four classes I've registered for are either essential to my major or the teaching program. The one class I feel I could drop is comparative politics, which I thought would be really interesting and fun. I'm not quite sure what to do. Thoughts?

New Years' Resolution #1: I will update my blog more often. It will happen.

Also, this website is pretty awesome.

a pandemonium of parentheses

So devoted blog readers aka maybe two people, it's been awhile.

The rest of my (and yours too, I presume) summer happened since the last time I typed words into this rectangle and pressed "Publish Post", and it was 90% glorious and wonderful. 10% everything else that isn't those two things. Highlights include;

1. Comic Con. Comic Con was epic on every level. I spent a week in San Diego with one of my best friends, without my parents (not that I would have had a problem with my parents presence, I've just never taken a trip without them that wasn't school sponsored and therefore, chaperoned (not that I did anything that would have warranted me slipping away from a chaperone, it was just nice to feel so independent, you know?)). A. I just used a double parentheses, is that what that's called? B. How does one punctuate a double parentheses? (I should probably know these things if I'm thinking of majoring in English).

I felt independent, you get it. I got my own plane ticket and stayed in a hostel and navigated a bus system in a different city. Shout out to San Diego bus system, btdubs, it was really nice and easy to use.

Back to Comic Con though. If you're not familiar with Comic Con, you should really check it out. It's this four day convention that happens every july in San Diego where a lot of people get together in the ginormously massive convention center and appreciate/geek out/have a blast about comics, tv shows, movies, video games, etc. I feel like at it's inception (speaking of Inception, greatest movie ever, right?!) it was MUCH more about the comic books than it is now, and for some people it's probably still that way, but it's very pop culture-y. Which I am really okay with. I might feel differently if I had been going there for 40 years but, this year was my first.

The main events that I was interested in were the movie/tv show panels (because who doesn't want to see movie stars? And because my newest aspiration is to write for television). I went to a bunch of panels and saw a bunch of famous people, which was very exciting and if you'd like me to list them for you, I can (I have a list saved as a draft of a text message on my phone for just such occasions, because I am that awesome.) but, I don't think it's necessary to recount all that right now.

One of the greatest panels I saw though was Joss Whedon and J. J. Abrams. (!) So brilliant. These men are responsible for some of the greatest television to ever happen. I don't know if I mentioned anything about Lost ever... The conversation was wonderful and inspiring. I know some people are very skeptical of television and it's legitimacy as an art form, granted some television is terrible, but, sometimes it's magic. I think it's just that I've always loved being told a good story, no matter what the medium. So the long and short of it is, the conversation was riveting, thus I want to write for television. Or write at all for anyone, even if it's just me.

I also went to the San Diego Zoo, wondered around downtown San Diego, wondered what the hell a "Tracy Morgan's Imagination Salad" could be, met people from Canada, Austrailia, Germany, and Holland, saw David Wain (if you don't know who he is, look him up for real.), met Daniel Dae Kim, saw Inception, discovered a crazy semi outdoor mall (what do they do when it rains?), discovered pinkberry (greatest fro yo I've ever had), and basically had a wonderful week with my buddy.

That was a pretty loaded number one.

2. This didn't really happen this summer but, it's noteworthy and ongoing. I started an improv class two weeks ago and I absolutely love it. My friend and former french teacher posted some info and a link (and I am a sucker for links) about an improv 101 class on her blog. So, I thought to myself, "Tianna, haven't you been thinking that it would be a good idea to try something new? And maybe this is exactly what you're looking for." And it was. So, thank you very much madame for being so enthusiastic about improv and sending this opportunity my way.

I started two weeks ago and I was really nervous and really excited. There was no need to have been nervous, everyone was so nice and supportive. The class itself is filled with all these exercises that help you to push away your insecurities and inhibitions and just say or do whatever feels right. It's brilliant. I can't exactly say I've been a person who has let life pass them by, (especially not at only 19), but I can say that there have been things, certain instances where I thought about doing something and I didn't. The cons outweighed the pros in my mind, and I look back and am unhappy that I didn't try. I don't want to feel that way and improv is helping. This whole year I think I've changed a lot, come out of my shell, gained a bit of confidence, and tried new things and I want to continue.

Improv allows you to be whoever you want, say whatever you think, and be supported all the way through. Which in real life translates to not being afraid/apprehensive/worried about taking a chance, or over thinking it until the moment's passed you by, and just doing it. I love that.

This is not to say that now I think I should act on every whim or that everything that comes into my mind should come out of my mouth (although, I think, 70% of it already does, (un)fortunately?), but it's a good feeling, to be up for it.

These were only two things and one of them didn't even happen this summer, but I'm tired and I should probably get some sleep. Maybe, I'll leave you with a fun fact to make up for not recounting more of the past 3 months of my life. And when I say maybe, I mean, I have every intention of doing just that; Did you know that a group of parrots is called a pandemonium? And a group of ravens is an unkindness or a storytelling? AND my personal favorite, a smack of jelly fish.

ps I will write more here. It's a promise.

pps Here's more animal group names, I know, you're welcome.

everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

Things of interest from the recent past;

1. A few days ago I was at work and rang up a man who had a rather interesting shirt. And when I say, "rather interesting",  I mean that, in the end, I came to find it just a tad (note the sarcasm) offensive. At first I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about it, but I wasn't really paying attention to his shirt, I was in the middle of a business transaction. 

All I saw were the words science on the top and religion on the bottom and a graphic in the middle. After he had paid he was sort of milling around for a while and I got a closer look at that graphic. Underneath science there was a rocket flying to the moon, which is totally legit. But above religion there were two tall buildings and an airplane. An airplane that was clearly headed for one of those buildings. 

The more I thought about the idea of putting a blanket blame on religion for September 11th (and then putting it on a shirt, and wearing it) the more and more offended I became. It's like, "Really? You really purchased that shirt and are now wearing it in public?" That's cool. Except not. At all.

2. That same night about 20 minutes later a man came up to the counter and started talking to us about the bp oil spill. Normally I think I'm a pretty agreeable person, but this man really got under my skin.

So after fifteen minutes of him spewing on and on about how, "doesn't anyone care? couldn't they just drop a big boulder on it?" I had had enough. And I said, "You know what? Millions of gallons of oil are flowing into the ocean and you're the only one that cares. I don't know what you want me to say to you". After that he walked away. 

After he left I realized what I should have said; get a blog.

3. I was on a bike ride a few days ago and I saw, what I assume to be a mama turkey, and two babies. That was just cool. Babies are the best, of really any variety.

4. Yesterday, after much deliberation I decided to continue living at home. I realized that if I were to move out, realistically I wouldn't be able to save any money. And that's something I want to do. I want to be able to help my parents pay for school. I want to study abroad next fall and I want to help pay for that. I want to have a little money for nonessentials. 

The more I think about it, the stronger the feeling is that I made the right decision.  

I put two conditions on myself though. First, I have to get my license, not so that I can constantly drive all over the place, so that I have the option to drive myself somewhere. And second, I have to get myself involved in things at school slash the community with people my own age. Because living at home this past year, I have to say I didn't make too many life long friends at school. Which is fine, I have friends. Wonderful, amazing, beautiful, spectacular friends. But, it would be nice to have some at school too. 

5. I watched Memento tonight. This is a film that everyone should see. Oh my goodness. It's all suspenseful and backwards but not completely. Crazyness.

6. Did I just update my blog two times in one week? Am I actually getting better at this? How exciting is that? (The correct answer is; Really exciting). 

water is the only drink for a wise man

Sometimes nothing real is more beautiful to me than Lake Harriet on a sunny summer evening. Nothing. 

Especially when unreal things seem so much more appealing. Like destroying Horcruxes with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Or trying to solve Harriet Vanger's murder with Mikael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Salander.

Sometimes my life doesn't feel like it's something that's happening to me or maybe that's not quite accurate. Sometimes I feel like my life should be in the pages of the books that I'm reading or the epic day dreams I have because they seem so much...better. Not that I have any real complaints with my life. It's a good life. It's only that sometimes the life that I want to be living and the life that I have feel like they're worlds apart, you know? 

But nothing can pull me out of that feeling like Lake Harriet in the summer, especially when it's getting closer to dark. When there are shadows and all the trees are looming around me. I feel like my city is hugging me and telling me that everything is going to be okay. It's a good feeling.

And that feeling makes me realize that everything is okay and that just because I have grandiose(ish) visions of my life the things that I want are not unattainable, especially if I do something about it. 

Which has really inspired me to do something about it.

Stay tuned.

and in a year, a year or so this will slip into the sea

Another year of my life has ended. Or started depending on how you see it. Or really both, I guess.

Sometimes it scares me that time doesn't ever stop. It never takes a rest, time gets no time off. No matter how static you feel you are constantly moving forward full speed into the future. Sometimes that's a thought that I can't handle.

It's a bit hard for me to believe that I have existed on this planet for nineteen whole years. Nineteen amazing, brilliant, occasionally not the greatest, (insert basically any other adjective that comes to mind) years. It feels simultaneously like ages and moments. I don't think I'll ever understand how time seems to move at least two different speeds at once. 

I remember waking up on my seventh birthday and being elated at the thought that I was no longer six and had made it to this mystical, exciting new age. I'm not sure what made me believe that seven was going to be mystical and exciting, but trust me, this is how I felt. I remember like it was yesterday, but it wasn't. It was twelve years ago. Twelve years. That's a long time. 

You know the moments in your life where you think "I want to remember this when I'm ___." ? You want your brain to store it as a marker of passed time. Even if it's incredibly mundane. Turning seven was one of those markers in my life. And right now I'm sitting in the exact same spot that I woke up to begin my seventh year of life, about to fall asleep on the first night of my nineteenth. Everything is so different but so...the same. 

When I was seven I thought that by the time I reached the ripe old age of nineteen I would have my life mapped out completely. Needless to say, that is nowhere near the case. Lately I feel I've been painting myself into a few too many corners. My seven year old self is taking charge, trying to tell me that this is the point at which I was supposed to "have it all figured out," whatever that means. And I've had many a freak out this year about the fact that I don't know what I'm "going to do with my life". But, I'm realizing (my nineteen year old self is taking the reins from little seven) that it's okay, I don't have to know anything. There are so many things that I could be, that I could do. Why decide so soon? I was intimidated by the uncertainty, but now I am so excited and inspired by the endless possibilities. It's going to be a good summer people, I can feel it. Stay tuned. 

Today has been a beautiful, wonderful day. My parents bought me a new bike and rollerblades. Both of which, I am very excited about. Yes, both. Mockable as rollerblades seem to be to some people. They remind me of my youth; (I'm hoping) they'll have just enough nostalgic appeal to make up for the fact that I haven't done any serious rollerblading in years. Nostalgia doesn't work overnight my dears, it's been awhile.

Although sometimes, because of the emotional depth of a situation, things that are close can seem a lot more distant. A little more than two years ago I met this amazing human being, one of my bestest friends in the whole world, Emma J. Mayer. She is the best. We only met two years ago but it really feels like I've known her all my life. Today she surprised me. I was just walking out the door, and when I say walking I mean almost falling, about to give the rollerblades (!) a test run when I saw a car and a woman that I recognized. Emma jumped out of the car and handed me a plate of cookies, a note, (sidenote: this is an Oxford Comma, right?) and a mix. It was so unexpected and lovely. The mix is awesome, the cookies are great, and the note made me cry. Who could ask for anything more?

I am so appreciative of all the acknowledgements of my birth, from everyone. I've heard from a few people today that I hadn't heard from in quite a while and it's nice to know that even though we haven't talked in some time they wanted to pass along some birthday salutations. It really doesn't take much to make me smile, contrary to what some may believe (that's another story for another time).

Some people are incredibly good at expressing themselves in the their own words. Others are very skilled at taking words written by different people and bringing them to life. And still others are almost infuriatingly talented at both or, a bit pitiably, adept at neither. Often I find myself falling into the last category, I'm not incoherent, I just have trouble saying exactly what I mean, the way I want to, sometimes (...often).  But recently words have been pouring out of me like a (pro)verbial flood. (I realize verbial isn't a word, but this was my attempt at wit.) Which is to say; I've been writing a lot lately. I've never been much of a writer at least not by my own estimation, but I'm all about the possibilities right now. I'm going to let my pen do the talking for as long as it wants and see what rabbit holes it leads me down.

Now I know I said that my next post was going to be devoted to Lost, but I figure if you're reading this and you haven't seen Lost I don't want to ruin it for you. Because, trust me, you want to experience that show unspoiled. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to do Lost justice with my words. But I'll do my best to say what I feel about it.

The other night I was out to dinner with my mom and a friend of hers. We were discussing Lost and she made a comment that put things in perspective. She said, "I understand why the end of Lost is such a big deal to you. It's been with you for almost a third of your life". A third of my life, I've (and many others have) invested six years in these people and this story and I have grown to love them. I've had countless conversations with friends and family about everything from the show's bigger picture to its miniscule minutia. Dissecting every detail because it was just that good. I know many people will say that it's only a tv show, but it isn't, at least not to me. It's an epic and brilliant and deep and witty and challenging and infuriating (and on and on and on...) experience that I participated in with millions of other people. It made me laugh, it made me cry, but most of all it made me think. About everything. It challenged many of my perceptions of the world. Not only was the writing brilliant, but the actors were incredibly talented. To anyone who feels like they didn't get enough answers, I have two things;

1. The show is called Lost not You will get the answers to everything that occurs on this show.

2. If that's all you cared about, you missed the point. At its heart the show was about the characters and how lost each of them were both physically and emotionally, and their eventual finding of themselves and their redemption.

I could go on and on, but I won't. 

Lost was amazing, there has never been anything else like it. The end was beautiful and cathartic and brilliant. It has touched my soul in many ways and I will miss it more than I can ever say.

Now that I've poured my heart out to you blog world, I think it's time for bed. I need to be well rested to jump headfirst into this new year. I'm ready for it.

Sweet Dreams.

ps I'm kind of in love with Damon Lindelof.

old enough to know better but too young to care

These last few days have been beautiful.

Tuesday, I got up, ate some breakfast, and went on a lovely bike ride with my dear friend Lizzie. We biked around Harriet and then to and around Nokomis. After that I met up with Addie and Lizzie joined us after getting her tan on a bit at Nokomis. We had some nice little wraps for lunch.

After having a lovely time with my pals, I went to Hale School where I help tutor third graders in reading and math. This is the last week of tutoring so we made rootbeer floats and played outside. After a while the kids were like "What should we do? How much time do we have?" And I was thought to myself..."hmm time...kids like to be timed don't they?" So they used my cell phone to time each other running around the playground. They were just having a great time. I'm so happy that I got the opportunity to work with these kids, they were great and they improved so much over the year. It was a really great experience to have and made me realize how much I really would love to be a teacher.

After that gratifying experience I went out to dinner at HauteDish which was absolutely lovely. The presentation, proportion, and taste was absolutely right. It was so good. Then one of the most exciting things in my life happened (kind of exaggerating...but not really). I attended Conan O'Brien's "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour". It was the best. I love (!) Conan, so much. Actually being in the same room as him was such an exciting experience. He was hilarious and candid. At one point they did a segment from Late Night that was just about my favorite thing ever; Conan would pull a lever attached to his desk and a "random" Walker, Texas Ranger clip would play. When they brought the lever out on stage it was totally silent and I said "YES!" really loudly and Conan smiled and kind of pointed at me. Basically he acknowledged my existence which was stupidly exciting to me.

Wednesday- Emma and I just hung out and watched a few episodes of Lost, which is just about the best way that I can think of to spend my time. (Sidenote: I don't think i've mentioned how much I love Lost in this blog. I'll say it right now, Lost is one of my favorite things to ever exist...ever. I don't know if I can express in words how much I legitimately love that show.)

Yesterday- Jessica and I went on a bike ride, which was awesome. Then we took a bunch of her old books to this store called paperback exchange, which is really cool by the way. You should check it out. It's right off of 50th and Penn. Later, Addie and went to this thing called "TimesTalksLive", where someone from the New York Times interviews someone in New York and said interview is broadcast live to theaters across America. Last night the interviewees were Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, the men behind Lost. Now I don't know if you read the sidenote up there, but I love Lost, so this was great. And it was even better when Michael Emerson and Jorge Garcia showed up. They all seem like such awesome human beings. It's hard for me to believe that Lost is coming to an end on Sunday night (I'll stop talking about Lost now and devote my next post solely to it; my love, my reaction to the finale, etc.). 

These last few days have been the best way ever to kick of my summer vacation. It makes me feel like this summer is going to be a really really good one.

Because I know that time is always time and place is always and only place

A few thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain;

"Remembering is not the opposite of forgetting."

This is a quote from the film that we watched today in my film studies class, Sans Soleil, a very interesting 

film. The rest of the quote was something about how remembering is a process of rewriting. Before we 

watched the film we talked about the concept of "imaginary homelands", as explained by Salman Rushdie. 

The idea that your "homeland" isn't real, especially if you're physically separated from it. We construct our idea of what home is based on our memories, but our memories are not perfect, far from it. So, the place we construct is somewhere that never existed, and therefore a place we will never be able to find. Depressing? Kind of. But also interesting to think about. 

I mean really think about it. There are some moments in my life that, while they were happening, I felt were so important and that I could never possibly forget any detail. Looking back, I have forgotten, I have rewritten. I've filled in the blanks. Even the really big things that I do remember very clearly, I'm sure I don't remember absolutely every detail & I wonder how much of my past is "real" & how much is rewritten. 

I guess it doesn't really matter.

VY Canis Majoris is the largest known star. 

This is another thing that has been boggling my mind lately. Astronomy is so fascinating, every lecture seems to come with at least one jaw dropping moment. Well, I've always been a fan of stars, they're beautiful. And I always knew that they were big and far away and that some of them were really big and really far away. I guess I just never realized quite how big or far away they could be. So, VY Canis Majoris is the largest known star. How large, you say? Well, it's radius is about equal to the distance from Saturn to the sun. That's nine AU, or astronomical units. One AU= the average distance from Earth to the Sun= about 93 million miles. So that means that the radius of VY Canis Majoris is  9x93,000,000 miles & it's diameter is about 18x93,000,00 miles, which is about 1,674,000,000 miles across. 

One billion six hundred and seventy four million miles across. 

I actually can't handle that. I had no idea that something that large existed. It absolutely blows my mind. It makes me feel so incredibly, inconceivably, insignificantly small.  But not in a bad or scary way. Compared to the overwhelming vastness of something like VY Canis Majoris, I feel like I am so small in comparison that I can just fit into the universe. Which is a comforting thought to me.

"The people are with you and won't be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment."

The dean of the college of cardinals, Angelo Sodano said this to the Pope this past weekend. He said this in reference to the many sex scandals within the Catholic church that have recently been coming to light. 

"Petty gossip", are you kidding me? This is not petty gossip of the moment, hundreds of people seem to have been affected over the last three or four decades, which makes this neither petty, nor of the moment. And, it seems now that the church knew much more about this than they've ever let on. And their way of dealing with the abuse, move the priest to a different church. Really? 

I just find it really ironic and kind of infuriating when people or organizations that have such a holier than thou attitude, and claim to be the moral authority, do something like this. It's like, you're not better than me.

I feel the same way about people who make statements like "people who don't support the war, don't love this country". How do you get to decide that? Because you support the war, you're more of a "patriot" than I am? You're a "better American"? No. You're not. 

I guess what it boils down to is the presumption that some person or organization has that it is morally "better" than someone or something else, is really frustrating to me. And it's even more frustrating when this alleged moral authority turns out to not be very moral at all.

uptown it's dead now but here no one seems to care at all

Well I've been a bit of an epic failure at blogging thus far. It seems to be about three and half months since my last & only post. Whoops. 

I'm going to make much more of a legitimate effort from now on. K? K. Glad we're agreed on that.

Last night I saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, really really quality film. I've been informed that the actual Swedish title (Man som hatar kvinnor) literally translates to "one who hates women" or "men who hate women", which puts an interesting spin on my perception of the film. It was also pretty graphic at times, but very well acted, really interesting, and I would definitely recommend it. 

After the film I enjoyed my first dining experience at Chino Latino. It was loud and crowded, in a good way. You know how that happens? Because often when I find myself in a loud & crowded place, it's in a really annoying way. But this was nice; people were out & about doing their thing, enjoying the evening. The food was lovely as well. And the fortune in my fortune cookie was Do you know where we can score some really good weed? Hilarious. So overall A+ for the evening.

Also, blog world, I'm having a bit of a crisis. Not really a crisis, I guess that's a bit too strong. But, the thing is, I realized recently that I have no idea what I want to "do with my life". For really as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a teacher, at least part of me has. But, now I'm not so sure I feel like there's so many other options to explore & so many possibilities that I haven't even thought of. I know that this is so typical of someone my age. Knowing that doesn't make it any less frustrating though. I just started working at Turtle Bread last week & I really like it so far. Sometimes I think it would be really fun to own my own restaurant/cafe/coffee shop/etc. 

I just don't know.