Friends,
Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching (I almost typed 'rabidly'. Some people probably feel that the imminency of this day is akin to a slobbering, crazed animal). How do you feel about that? Excited? Nervous? Sad? Lonely?
Please don't misunderstand me here. I am all about love. Love is literally the language of my life. All I want is for people to be good to each other, to love and respect one another, to have love for animals, for the Earth, for anything that they can't understand. You know hippy treehugger kind of love. I believe so strongly in the power of love. And I try so hard to have love in my heart for everyone. That's not to say that I love everyone, just that I attempt to see each human that I interact with as someone worthy of my respect simply because they are another human being trying to figure out the best way to live their life just like me. I'm not successful all the time by any means, but I try. All I'm really saying here is that love is the basis of my understanding of the world, it's very important to me.
With this description of myself it might seem odd that I don't care for Valentine's Day. I don't like how artificial it feels. I love the idea of a day about love, it's great to go out for a fancy dinner with your loved one, to buy chocolates and flowers, to just tell someone how much they mean to you, but it feels so artificial to me. One saturated day of 'love' doesn't make up for prior negligence. If you love someone you should show them that all the time. You should do special things without needing a day to tell you to do so.
To be fair, I'm a big old hypocrite because on the other hand I'm sitting here wishing that I had a boy in my life that I really cared for, that would buy me a nice dinner and chocolates and flowers, and tell me how much I meant to him. But I don't and I haven't ever for Valentine's Day (that might contribute to the non-affection for the day...maybe a little bit).
Am I sad to not be in a relationship on Valentine's Day? Kind of, I guess. But, I'm also really happy, and appreciative.
I appreciate all the boys that ultimately didn't end up with me, they did me a huge favor. I appreciate all the boys that think that I'm smart, and pretty, and funny, and nice, and great, and wonderful, and awesome, and beautiful, and any other flattering adjective that’s been thrown in my direction, but didn’t end up with me. I appreciate them because my experiences with them have run the gamut of the emotional spectrum from bad to wonderful. But most importantly, they've taught me to put my faith in me. Having never been in a 'serious relationship', I know how to be alone. That's what I know. I've had a lot of time to work out understanding myself. I know exactly who I am.
I think people sometimes misinterpret my less than awesome self esteem as lack of self knowledge. I have had a lot of time to discover many things about myself. I know my high points and my annoying quirks. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I joke too much, I take things too personally sometimes, ya know...annoying stuff. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I know that. And I am so incredibly thankful for that. Knowing how to be on your own is so important.
Am I saying that there hasn't been a ton of times that I've been bummed about not having a boyfriend? No. There certainly have been. I've cried about it, been crazy confused, felt just on the cusp and had it slip away. That sucks. A ton. It's the worst feeling when something that feels nice and safe and comfortable and exciting just falls apart and you don't understand what happened. Or you keep blaming yourself or trying to find what it is that you did wrong, when really you didn't do anything. The timing just wasn't right, and maybe it's never going to be, maybe it is. And that's the hardest part; you never know. I've deemed this my year of no expectations, meaning that I'm trying very hard not to expect anything from anyone and to rely on myself as much as possible. And to just have fun.
Kind of in summation;
Dear boys who have dented my armor, broken my heart, not even given me the time of day,
Thank you. I know who I am because of your lack of interest and that is invaluable. I couldn’t have done it without you. I couldn’t have done it with you either. Really, thanks.
Love,
Tianna
