I've done lots of thinking & evaluating lately, not that this is really out of the norm, but it's been particularly present and evident in the last few weeks. Here are some major thoughts and snippets from recently;
1. I graduated from college. (!) After sixteen and a half solid years of school it happened! I am really proud of myself, but I'm also a little freaked out. Everything has been relatively planned until this point. Through college there was a logical and plotted trajectory. What's beyond is still murky. The freedom of choices before me is incredible, but daunting. I just don't know what I want. I understand that this is a common feeling at my age. At any age. It's hard to know what's right for you sometimes. To be sure of anything.
People have just constantly been asking what I'm going to do now and I don't have a solid answer for them. I can't commit to any one thing. I know I will figure it out and that everything will be fine, but sometimes if I think too hard it feels all nerve wracking and scary.
The essence of number one is that I graduated from college! Soon I will have a bona fide degree in English mailed to my very own home! It's so practical! ...It's not and I know it, but it's what I love & I think doing what you love is incredibly essential to happiness. Duh, Tianna!
2. The last few weeks have been kind of a whirlwind with this being my final semester, getting into the holidays, and finding time to have a social life. This past week I had some sad times (don't worry! I will be fine!) and you know what, that's a big bummer, but it's helped me to realize the network of truly wonderful human beings in my life. How many people there are that really care about me, that only want the best for me and my happiness and that feels amazing. I can't articulate how comforting it is to know that such special & supportive people have my back and are there to pick me up when I stumble. I love them so.
I also had some really great times this past week. Girls night viewing of Love, Actually, and two dance parties in a row! I just am a huge advocate of getting your dance on. Huge. It's the most cathartic! I used to be silly and shy (and I still am about a ton of things), but I've since learned that the dance floor is not for holding back, but for jumping in. Saw some friends that I have hardly crossed paths with since high school, and that was great. Many good times, but these events meant that I haven't been to bed before 4AM or had more than 4 hours of sleep for the past three days. I was officially a zombie at work today. Like a regular undead.
Also, it doesn't help that I drank a bit too much last night (don't worry, I'm 21 and I didn't drive!). Sidenote: Sometimes this is a really bad idea and you will say silly things that you wish you could've kept in your brain and not formulated into very ineloquent and audible speech. Maybe you won't do something like that, but just a head's up, be careful. Mondo headaches when your alarm goes off at 7:30 are also the absolute worst.
3. It's Christmas. What. Come this time every year I am always shocked. I cannot believe that another calendar year is almost over! It feels exciting too. It feels like come December 31st we press the restart button and we all have a chance again, carte blanche, opportunities we didn't get to last year. This of course is true, but this is true all the time! The 31st to the 1st is just Monday to a Tuesday, like any other week, but somehow it has so much more symbolic value and power. Maybe I resolve to not wait until the new year to make changes, but see everyday as a time a new chance to change my way of being in positive and productive ways.
Also, I think I'm getting sick on top of being super exhausted and I have to work all day tomorrow, my life is so hard. I know that it isn't. Basically, I just want someone to make me soup and to cuddle with me and watch my movies and tell me that I will feel better soon. That would be the coolest.
I feel at such a transitional point...maybe. And that's the bit that's making me think the most. Everything could change or nothing. Big changes have already occurred, realizations have been made, and no presents have been bought even though three mall trips were made and Christmas Eve is tomorrow.
These are just brief thoughts, I will try to properly decompress on the past year in the next post.
For now, it's late and I must sleep my dances off and wake up early and work for 8 hours!
Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
And whatever comes through the door, I'll see it face to face
Life has been good to me this past month. The humidity has been annoying, but it's made my hair wavy in a cool way, so I can even appreciate that on some level!
I've had a ton of fun doing all sorts of things. For starters I visited Emma, one of my closest friends, and her awesome boyfriend Jeff, in Chicago. The three of us roadtripped it down, which was great because A. I like them and B. I only had to megabus one way! The whole trip was lovely. On Sunday we met up with our friend Chris, who also happened to be in Chicago for Pitchfork. We had dinner and just hung out which was great.
On Monday, despite the heat, Emma and I were determined to get out and enjoy ourselves. We bussed over to the lake and took a long walk along the shore. The scenery was beautiful and the conversation was of the all encompassing, total honesty, revelatory kind.
After our walk we headed over to the Art Institute, which rocks. We saw the Roy Lichtenstein Retrospective. It was incredible. I've always been a fan of his work, but never before had it moved me that much. I think being able to see a solid selection of someone's work from the beginning to the end of their career gives you a much better idea of who they are as an artist and what's important to them. Really fascinating and intriguing to see. That night we saw 'Beasts of the Southern Wild'. So good. The little girl in that film was incredible. A truly lovely day.
The next day we shopped and watched 'A Clockwork Orange'. And as is always the case, the next morning came too soon and it was time for me to go back home. I will not say much about the megabus other than it's cheap, which I appreciate, but when you forget your headphones you will inevitably have the seatmate that needs to tell you their life story. No matter how clearly you are trying to ignore them.
A couple weeks ago a friend posted a status on facebook saying that she had an extra ticket to see Beirut at the Cabooze. This show had been sold out forever. And of course I wanted to go. I was slightly apprehensive at first because we'd never hung out one on one before and I can get kind of silly and caught up in my own head about things like that. But there was no need for it. We had a lovely time. The night was wonderful. First we went to a benefit to support some of Carly's friends that are walking in the Breast cancer three day (later I found out that I won a free hour long massage from the raffle I'd entered!!). Then we headed over to the Cabooze. It was a beautiful night, the music and the company rocked and when it was over the Aquatennial fireworks went off over downtown. Great night.
And finally the most recent lovely summer night was a birthday party. I met Chris at Pizza Lucé and we wanted to pretend we were on an awkward first date because that's not obnoxious...at all. But it was his birthday and sometimes..I'm obnoxious. It didn't work, we were too comfortable with each other. After dinner, Chris went to the bathroom and the server asked if maybe he'd like a surprise dessert, to which I responded, 'Of course!'. The server was great, first he taped a candle to Chris's beer and then the dessert turned out to be literally five brownies topped with mounds of ice cream and whipped cream! There was just no way two people could've ever split that. Needless to say, we didn't come close to finishing, but it was lovely all the same.
We met up with some of Chris's friends that I didn't know at Muddy Waters after dinner. It's always cool when you can integrate two different groups of friends relatively seamlessly, which I feel was the case that night. I know I had a ton of fun and it seemed like everyone else was as well. We happened to be sitting in the back by the kitchen and I noticed one of the cooks was really good looking. I preceded to tell Addie this and she said 'You should get his number.' I dissented saying that he was at work and that I didn't want to bother him, which was true, but really I'm just kind of shy. So she did it! One of the many reasons that I appreciate her immensely.
After dinner Chris and I were walking back to his car and we passed HUGE theater, decided to say 'hi!' and were welcomed with conversation, free beer and a party invitation. We ended up going to this party and having a great time. I probably knew five people there, but Chris just kept introducing himself and everyone was nice, so it all worked out to be another epic summer night.
All of these good times lately have finally pulled me out of the stupid rut that I've been stuck in for what feels like forever. I got so overwhelmed this winter with work and school and winter. I felt like I had no time to myself. I felt like I was on the verge of falling apart every other minute. I felt bad about myself. I just didn't feel like me anymore. I was unhappy. But as I have gained time and perspective I realize that I will be and am absolutely fine. That I have no reason to feel bad about myself. That just because some boy didn't like me the same way that I liked him that didn't make me unlovable or unattractive or unintelligent. I'm not any of those things. I'm beautiful, smart, funny, and totally worthy of affection. This is not to say that I think I'm perfect all of a sudden. I don't. At all. But, I've finally realized and am able to believe these things about myself. That even through my flaws I am a valid human being. That we all are. And it feels wonderful. I feel like I've been carrying a backpack filled with bricks and sad things all winter and spring and some of the summer that I was unaware of, but now that I've taken it off my smile can really meet my eyes again. And that is an amazing feeling. So, no matter where the rest of this Summer, this year, this life goes I hope I can keep track of how I feel right now.
I've had a ton of fun doing all sorts of things. For starters I visited Emma, one of my closest friends, and her awesome boyfriend Jeff, in Chicago. The three of us roadtripped it down, which was great because A. I like them and B. I only had to megabus one way! The whole trip was lovely. On Sunday we met up with our friend Chris, who also happened to be in Chicago for Pitchfork. We had dinner and just hung out which was great.
On Monday, despite the heat, Emma and I were determined to get out and enjoy ourselves. We bussed over to the lake and took a long walk along the shore. The scenery was beautiful and the conversation was of the all encompassing, total honesty, revelatory kind.
After our walk we headed over to the Art Institute, which rocks. We saw the Roy Lichtenstein Retrospective. It was incredible. I've always been a fan of his work, but never before had it moved me that much. I think being able to see a solid selection of someone's work from the beginning to the end of their career gives you a much better idea of who they are as an artist and what's important to them. Really fascinating and intriguing to see. That night we saw 'Beasts of the Southern Wild'. So good. The little girl in that film was incredible. A truly lovely day.
The next day we shopped and watched 'A Clockwork Orange'. And as is always the case, the next morning came too soon and it was time for me to go back home. I will not say much about the megabus other than it's cheap, which I appreciate, but when you forget your headphones you will inevitably have the seatmate that needs to tell you their life story. No matter how clearly you are trying to ignore them.
A couple weeks ago a friend posted a status on facebook saying that she had an extra ticket to see Beirut at the Cabooze. This show had been sold out forever. And of course I wanted to go. I was slightly apprehensive at first because we'd never hung out one on one before and I can get kind of silly and caught up in my own head about things like that. But there was no need for it. We had a lovely time. The night was wonderful. First we went to a benefit to support some of Carly's friends that are walking in the Breast cancer three day (later I found out that I won a free hour long massage from the raffle I'd entered!!). Then we headed over to the Cabooze. It was a beautiful night, the music and the company rocked and when it was over the Aquatennial fireworks went off over downtown. Great night.
And finally the most recent lovely summer night was a birthday party. I met Chris at Pizza Lucé and we wanted to pretend we were on an awkward first date because that's not obnoxious...at all. But it was his birthday and sometimes..I'm obnoxious. It didn't work, we were too comfortable with each other. After dinner, Chris went to the bathroom and the server asked if maybe he'd like a surprise dessert, to which I responded, 'Of course!'. The server was great, first he taped a candle to Chris's beer and then the dessert turned out to be literally five brownies topped with mounds of ice cream and whipped cream! There was just no way two people could've ever split that. Needless to say, we didn't come close to finishing, but it was lovely all the same.
We met up with some of Chris's friends that I didn't know at Muddy Waters after dinner. It's always cool when you can integrate two different groups of friends relatively seamlessly, which I feel was the case that night. I know I had a ton of fun and it seemed like everyone else was as well. We happened to be sitting in the back by the kitchen and I noticed one of the cooks was really good looking. I preceded to tell Addie this and she said 'You should get his number.' I dissented saying that he was at work and that I didn't want to bother him, which was true, but really I'm just kind of shy. So she did it! One of the many reasons that I appreciate her immensely.
After dinner Chris and I were walking back to his car and we passed HUGE theater, decided to say 'hi!' and were welcomed with conversation, free beer and a party invitation. We ended up going to this party and having a great time. I probably knew five people there, but Chris just kept introducing himself and everyone was nice, so it all worked out to be another epic summer night.
All of these good times lately have finally pulled me out of the stupid rut that I've been stuck in for what feels like forever. I got so overwhelmed this winter with work and school and winter. I felt like I had no time to myself. I felt like I was on the verge of falling apart every other minute. I felt bad about myself. I just didn't feel like me anymore. I was unhappy. But as I have gained time and perspective I realize that I will be and am absolutely fine. That I have no reason to feel bad about myself. That just because some boy didn't like me the same way that I liked him that didn't make me unlovable or unattractive or unintelligent. I'm not any of those things. I'm beautiful, smart, funny, and totally worthy of affection. This is not to say that I think I'm perfect all of a sudden. I don't. At all. But, I've finally realized and am able to believe these things about myself. That even through my flaws I am a valid human being. That we all are. And it feels wonderful. I feel like I've been carrying a backpack filled with bricks and sad things all winter and spring and some of the summer that I was unaware of, but now that I've taken it off my smile can really meet my eyes again. And that is an amazing feeling. So, no matter where the rest of this Summer, this year, this life goes I hope I can keep track of how I feel right now.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Found yourself in a new direction, aeons far from the sun
My last post was drab. I was full of ennui. Truly filled with boredom. And then I realized how stupid that was. I reflected on the school year when all I wanted was Summertime. I'm really trying to get out of that 'grass is always greener' mentality. I'm happy with my own grass, damn it! It may not be the greenest or the tallest or the most uniform, my lawn might not win any homeowner's award (is that an actual thing?), but it's natural and beautiful and it keeps growing year after year, right?
Cliché metaphors aside, my malaise was truly unwarranted. I have a wonderful life filled with incredible human beings that make each day worth it. So I have more free time than some of them which equates to more alone time, who cares! I feel like kind of an idiot for actually complaining about that. It's good to have time to yourself. I've been able to read for my own pleasure, something that I wasn't able to do all throughout the spring semester. And let me tell you, I have a lengthy reading list for this Summer that's only getting longer. And I'm so excited about it! Reflecting on my last post, I couldn't understand what had happened to the girl that could smile from ear to ear just because the sun was out and she could feel it's rays gently warming her skin (and insidiously increasing her potential for skin cancer because she always forgets about sunscreen). It's like I forgot about life's simplest joys for a minute. It's like I forgot how miraculous it is that I even get to exist. And even more so that I get to exist in such an amazingly beautiful world, and one of the coolest cities.
I remember now.
I also failed to reflect on my recent birthday, which was great. I even celebrated it twice! My actual birthday was on the 28th of May, which fell on Memorial Day which as is always the case, was on a Monday. I decided that I would just celebrate with my family and then go out with friends on the following Friday. BUT some co-workers and good pals thought that it was a crime that I wasn't really 'celebrating' my 21st on the actual day. So, following a really nice meal (not just food, but conversation and general good times) with my family, these pals, along with a few other friends, celebrated with me. And I truly had a great time with them! I'm glad they made me go out. They were way too generous and wouldn't let me pay for anything. Really made me feel warm, happy, and loved on my birthday.
Many of these same people showed up on Friday along with a few more friends and after another evening of too much alcohol we finally called it quits at four AM, after I'd gotten a kiss from a stranger. I'd say it was a pretty successful, if not slightly out of character, 21st birthday celebration.
I also experienced my first Pride yesterday. The parade was great! It was really cool to see all the politicians, churches, corporations, and regular human beings out in support of equality. I teared up almost immediately. It breaks my heart that some people are so intolerant and scared of anything that doesn't fit their heteronormative view of the world. Obviously, if I am allowed to have my opinion they should be allowed to have theirs. I'm not saying they can't be opposed to homosexuality in their own private lives, but to actually want to amend the constitution so that people who love each other are not allowed to get married, to essentially say that their love, lives, and feelings are not valid because they don't follow the same trajectory as you is awful. I just can't understand why, in a world that can be so bleak and alienating, anyone would want to limit two consenting adults that love each other because they are the same gender. It's incomprehensible. I guess, as kind of corny as it sounds, I wish we could all try to treat each other with a little more respect and open our minds and our hearts to each other. We're all just people trying to make a life for ourselves the only way that we know how.
Yesterday, I got to experience the tail end of the Twin Cities Improv Festival. Awesome. Huge improv Theater is a truly wonderful place. The people that are responsible for it rock and have so succeeded in creating a welcoming space for the community that presents hilarious, insightful improv from talented performers. And more. I've taken three classes there and on top of having tons of fun and meeting ridiculously cool people, I've gained a greater sense of self, been pushed (sometimes way) out of my comfort zone, and gotten more in touch with my inner kid, remembering what is was like when you could just make things up and really believe them without effort, when you could just play. Not to mention, I've volunteered twice recently and been fortunate enough to interact with some more really cool people. I need to get there more often.
Life is good and today is absolutely beautiful. Smiling from ear to ear.
Cliché metaphors aside, my malaise was truly unwarranted. I have a wonderful life filled with incredible human beings that make each day worth it. So I have more free time than some of them which equates to more alone time, who cares! I feel like kind of an idiot for actually complaining about that. It's good to have time to yourself. I've been able to read for my own pleasure, something that I wasn't able to do all throughout the spring semester. And let me tell you, I have a lengthy reading list for this Summer that's only getting longer. And I'm so excited about it! Reflecting on my last post, I couldn't understand what had happened to the girl that could smile from ear to ear just because the sun was out and she could feel it's rays gently warming her skin (and insidiously increasing her potential for skin cancer because she always forgets about sunscreen). It's like I forgot about life's simplest joys for a minute. It's like I forgot how miraculous it is that I even get to exist. And even more so that I get to exist in such an amazingly beautiful world, and one of the coolest cities.
I remember now.
I also failed to reflect on my recent birthday, which was great. I even celebrated it twice! My actual birthday was on the 28th of May, which fell on Memorial Day which as is always the case, was on a Monday. I decided that I would just celebrate with my family and then go out with friends on the following Friday. BUT some co-workers and good pals thought that it was a crime that I wasn't really 'celebrating' my 21st on the actual day. So, following a really nice meal (not just food, but conversation and general good times) with my family, these pals, along with a few other friends, celebrated with me. And I truly had a great time with them! I'm glad they made me go out. They were way too generous and wouldn't let me pay for anything. Really made me feel warm, happy, and loved on my birthday.
Many of these same people showed up on Friday along with a few more friends and after another evening of too much alcohol we finally called it quits at four AM, after I'd gotten a kiss from a stranger. I'd say it was a pretty successful, if not slightly out of character, 21st birthday celebration.
I also experienced my first Pride yesterday. The parade was great! It was really cool to see all the politicians, churches, corporations, and regular human beings out in support of equality. I teared up almost immediately. It breaks my heart that some people are so intolerant and scared of anything that doesn't fit their heteronormative view of the world. Obviously, if I am allowed to have my opinion they should be allowed to have theirs. I'm not saying they can't be opposed to homosexuality in their own private lives, but to actually want to amend the constitution so that people who love each other are not allowed to get married, to essentially say that their love, lives, and feelings are not valid because they don't follow the same trajectory as you is awful. I just can't understand why, in a world that can be so bleak and alienating, anyone would want to limit two consenting adults that love each other because they are the same gender. It's incomprehensible. I guess, as kind of corny as it sounds, I wish we could all try to treat each other with a little more respect and open our minds and our hearts to each other. We're all just people trying to make a life for ourselves the only way that we know how.
Yesterday, I got to experience the tail end of the Twin Cities Improv Festival. Awesome. Huge improv Theater is a truly wonderful place. The people that are responsible for it rock and have so succeeded in creating a welcoming space for the community that presents hilarious, insightful improv from talented performers. And more. I've taken three classes there and on top of having tons of fun and meeting ridiculously cool people, I've gained a greater sense of self, been pushed (sometimes way) out of my comfort zone, and gotten more in touch with my inner kid, remembering what is was like when you could just make things up and really believe them without effort, when you could just play. Not to mention, I've volunteered twice recently and been fortunate enough to interact with some more really cool people. I need to get there more often.
Life is good and today is absolutely beautiful. Smiling from ear to ear.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Help me to name it
It's Summer. I should be ecstatic. What do I dream about, talk about incessantly, and practically salivate like Pavlov's dogs over? Summer.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not happy that it's here. I truly couldn't be happier about that. The endless hours of sunlight, the heat, and the freedom that comes with that is wonderful. I don't know if I can adequately express what Winter does to me. Sometimes when it's dark and cold the world feels so desolate and the night feels like it will stretch on forever.
It's like that story by Ray Bradbury where there's a civilization on Venus and the sun is about to come out for the first time in seven years and the only girl that really really needs to see it and feel it's warmth has been locked in a closet by the other children. Some winter nights it feels like I won't see the sun again for seven years. Some nights I feel like that girl. I know that seems preposterous, but sometimes...
So, of course, when Spring and Summer come around again and there is abundant sunshine I am so incandescently happy all the time.
The thing that's making this Summer different is not the weather, but the time.
This semester I had little to no free time most weeks. My schedule was dominated by school, work, and my feeble, exhausted attempts at all the reading I had to do. I would wake up at 6 every morning to bike to my 8AM class and then after school most days (5 or sometimes 6) I would work until 9:30 or 10PM. And by the time I got home I was so tired that I could barely get any of my reading done. I realize that some people do so much more than this and don't necessarily have the privilege of going to college and I fully acknowledge that they are stronger, more dedicated, hardworking people than I am, than I might ever be. I'm not trying to be whiney here, just to offer a contrast.
So now, school is out for the Summer, which is great. I still work 5 days a week, but I like that. I work in the evenings and it seems that many of my friends work or have something going on in the daytime. This equals a lot of Tianna time. I certainly know how to amuse myself and I've been going to different parts of the city, discovering new spots. And it's not like I'm just sitting at home all day every day not doing anything. It's just a stark contrast and I have all this free time that I don't always quite know what to do with. That's all.
Also, I was really looking forward to Northern Spark this year. I had such a great time last year biking around the city with a fabulous group of friends. Naturally, I got my hopes up this year and naturally, they were not met because anticipation sets you up for disappointment. I went to the Stone Arch Bridge, one of my favorite places in Minneapolis, and nothing was happening. Literally nothing. There were just a ton of loud obnoxious people on the bridge that kept hitting me with their bikes. I suppose I could've gone other places, but by the time we were done at the Stone Arch the rest of my crew was ready to go home and I was kind of soured on the whole thing. It sounds like other people had a great time, which I'm glad about because I really wanted it to be great. It just wasn't for me. Maybe next year.
The tone of this makes me sound so discontent, I'm really not. I'm really happy. It's probably just this gray day getting me down.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not happy that it's here. I truly couldn't be happier about that. The endless hours of sunlight, the heat, and the freedom that comes with that is wonderful. I don't know if I can adequately express what Winter does to me. Sometimes when it's dark and cold the world feels so desolate and the night feels like it will stretch on forever.
It's like that story by Ray Bradbury where there's a civilization on Venus and the sun is about to come out for the first time in seven years and the only girl that really really needs to see it and feel it's warmth has been locked in a closet by the other children. Some winter nights it feels like I won't see the sun again for seven years. Some nights I feel like that girl. I know that seems preposterous, but sometimes...
So, of course, when Spring and Summer come around again and there is abundant sunshine I am so incandescently happy all the time.
The thing that's making this Summer different is not the weather, but the time.
This semester I had little to no free time most weeks. My schedule was dominated by school, work, and my feeble, exhausted attempts at all the reading I had to do. I would wake up at 6 every morning to bike to my 8AM class and then after school most days (5 or sometimes 6) I would work until 9:30 or 10PM. And by the time I got home I was so tired that I could barely get any of my reading done. I realize that some people do so much more than this and don't necessarily have the privilege of going to college and I fully acknowledge that they are stronger, more dedicated, hardworking people than I am, than I might ever be. I'm not trying to be whiney here, just to offer a contrast.
So now, school is out for the Summer, which is great. I still work 5 days a week, but I like that. I work in the evenings and it seems that many of my friends work or have something going on in the daytime. This equals a lot of Tianna time. I certainly know how to amuse myself and I've been going to different parts of the city, discovering new spots. And it's not like I'm just sitting at home all day every day not doing anything. It's just a stark contrast and I have all this free time that I don't always quite know what to do with. That's all.
Also, I was really looking forward to Northern Spark this year. I had such a great time last year biking around the city with a fabulous group of friends. Naturally, I got my hopes up this year and naturally, they were not met because anticipation sets you up for disappointment. I went to the Stone Arch Bridge, one of my favorite places in Minneapolis, and nothing was happening. Literally nothing. There were just a ton of loud obnoxious people on the bridge that kept hitting me with their bikes. I suppose I could've gone other places, but by the time we were done at the Stone Arch the rest of my crew was ready to go home and I was kind of soured on the whole thing. It sounds like other people had a great time, which I'm glad about because I really wanted it to be great. It just wasn't for me. Maybe next year.
The tone of this makes me sound so discontent, I'm really not. I'm really happy. It's probably just this gray day getting me down.
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