Sometimes it scares me that time doesn't ever stop. It never takes a rest, time gets no time off. No matter how static you feel you are constantly moving forward full speed into the future. Sometimes that's a thought that I can't handle.
It's a bit hard for me to believe that I have existed on this planet for nineteen whole years. Nineteen amazing, brilliant, occasionally not the greatest, (insert basically any other adjective that comes to mind) years. It feels simultaneously like ages and moments. I don't think I'll ever understand how time seems to move at least two different speeds at once.
I remember waking up on my seventh birthday and being elated at the thought that I was no longer six and had made it to this mystical, exciting new age. I'm not sure what made me believe that seven was going to be mystical and exciting, but trust me, this is how I felt. I remember like it was yesterday, but it wasn't. It was twelve years ago. Twelve years. That's a long time.
You know the moments in your life where you think "I want to remember this when I'm ___." ? You want your brain to store it as a marker of passed time. Even if it's incredibly mundane. Turning seven was one of those markers in my life. And right now I'm sitting in the exact same spot that I woke up to begin my seventh year of life, about to fall asleep on the first night of my nineteenth. Everything is so different but so...the same.
When I was seven I thought that by the time I reached the ripe old age of nineteen I would have my life mapped out completely. Needless to say, that is nowhere near the case. Lately I feel I've been painting myself into a few too many corners. My seven year old self is taking charge, trying to tell me that this is the point at which I was supposed to "have it all figured out," whatever that means. And I've had many a freak out this year about the fact that I don't know what I'm "going to do with my life". But, I'm realizing (my nineteen year old self is taking the reins from little seven) that it's okay, I don't have to know anything. There are so many things that I could be, that I could do. Why decide so soon? I was intimidated by the uncertainty, but now I am so excited and inspired by the endless possibilities. It's going to be a good summer people, I can feel it. Stay tuned.
Today has been a beautiful, wonderful day. My parents bought me a new bike and rollerblades. Both of which, I am very excited about. Yes, both. Mockable as rollerblades seem to be to some people. They remind me of my youth; (I'm hoping) they'll have just enough nostalgic appeal to make up for the fact that I haven't done any serious rollerblading in years. Nostalgia doesn't work overnight my dears, it's been awhile.
Although sometimes, because of the emotional depth of a situation, things that are close can seem a lot more distant. A little more than two years ago I met this amazing human being, one of my bestest friends in the whole world, Emma J. Mayer. She is the best. We only met two years ago but it really feels like I've known her all my life. Today she surprised me. I was just walking out the door, and when I say walking I mean almost falling, about to give the rollerblades (!) a test run when I saw a car and a woman that I recognized. Emma jumped out of the car and handed me a plate of cookies, a note, (sidenote: this is an Oxford Comma, right?) and a mix. It was so unexpected and lovely. The mix is awesome, the cookies are great, and the note made me cry. Who could ask for anything more?
I am so appreciative of all the acknowledgements of my birth, from everyone. I've heard from a few people today that I hadn't heard from in quite a while and it's nice to know that even though we haven't talked in some time they wanted to pass along some birthday salutations. It really doesn't take much to make me smile, contrary to what some may believe (that's another story for another time).
Some people are incredibly good at expressing themselves in the their own words. Others are very skilled at taking words written by different people and bringing them to life. And still others are almost infuriatingly talented at both or, a bit pitiably, adept at neither. Often I find myself falling into the last category, I'm not incoherent, I just have trouble saying exactly what I mean, the way I want to, sometimes (...often). But recently words have been pouring out of me like a (pro)verbial flood. (I realize verbial isn't a word, but this was my attempt at wit.) Which is to say; I've been writing a lot lately. I've never been much of a writer at least not by my own estimation, but I'm all about the possibilities right now. I'm going to let my pen do the talking for as long as it wants and see what rabbit holes it leads me down.
Now I know I said that my next post was going to be devoted to Lost, but I figure if you're reading this and you haven't seen Lost I don't want to ruin it for you. Because, trust me, you want to experience that show unspoiled. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to do Lost justice with my words. But I'll do my best to say what I feel about it.
The other night I was out to dinner with my mom and a friend of hers. We were discussing Lost and she made a comment that put things in perspective. She said, "I understand why the end of Lost is such a big deal to you. It's been with you for almost a third of your life". A third of my life, I've (and many others have) invested six years in these people and this story and I have grown to love them. I've had countless conversations with friends and family about everything from the show's bigger picture to its miniscule minutia. Dissecting every detail because it was just that good. I know many people will say that it's only a tv show, but it isn't, at least not to me. It's an epic and brilliant and deep and witty and challenging and infuriating (and on and on and on...) experience that I participated in with millions of other people. It made me laugh, it made me cry, but most of all it made me think. About everything. It challenged many of my perceptions of the world. Not only was the writing brilliant, but the actors were incredibly talented. To anyone who feels like they didn't get enough answers, I have two things;
1. The show is called Lost not You will get the answers to everything that occurs on this show.
2. If that's all you cared about, you missed the point. At its heart the show was about the characters and how lost each of them were both physically and emotionally, and their eventual finding of themselves and their redemption.
I could go on and on, but I won't.
Lost was amazing, there has never been anything else like it. The end was beautiful and cathartic and brilliant. It has touched my soul in many ways and I will miss it more than I can ever say.
Now that I've poured my heart out to you blog world, I think it's time for bed. I need to be well rested to jump headfirst into this new year. I'm ready for it.
Sweet Dreams.
ps I'm kind of in love with Damon Lindelof.
