to offer it to you would be cruel when all I want to do is use you

It is so late and I should so be sleeping, but I am suffering from a hardcore case of insomnia. Yikes. I have to be at work in 6 hours. Double yikes.

For some reason, off and on I suffer from a kind of reverse insomnia, I'm able to fall asleep, but I'm not able to stay asleep. Waking up at 2:45 and laying awake for hours while the world sleeps on is one of the most frustrating and irritating things that I've experienced.

Last night, for example, I had a dream that I was marooned on Liberty Island. And more specifically in the statue of liberty's head. My mission was to somehow get back to New York City. Apparently in Tianna Dream Land there are a ton of barriers between Liberty Island and NYC, namely, electrically charged buoys that descend all the way down the dark depths to the bottom of the ocean. Not just one set of these, but many.

In the dream I made it past all but one of the sets. They didn't extend literally all the way to the ocean floor. There was the tiniest bit of free space that i was able to maneuver through. However, when I reached the final set of buoys, I was not able to make it through because those did indeed connect to the ocean floor, and go down even deeper.

Right as my (dream) oxygen supply was dwindling, almost to the bitter end, trapped at the bottom of the sea, I woke up.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Tianna, what do you think about this? What does it mean?" On the other hand, maybe you don't think that dreams mean anything, but this is my blog after all, and I do, so you're asking yourself what it all means.

I think it's really pretty literal here; I feel like I'm trapped under water. I've passed many obstacles, but can't find a way to get where I really want to go. This is not a very primo feeling, let me tell you. Lately, I have such a feeling of apprehension, of nervous energy, and silly unhappiness.

Why, you say? Well, I'll tell you;
1. The winter lasted (and held on) for a disgusting amount of time. Seriously it's been consistently cloudy for 6 months. How does one deal with that? I can't. SAD is real, and it makes me real sad.
2. I keep thinking that I have most of my shit figured out or sorted out or something. At least I might be on the way and then it hits me that I have no idea how to be an adult. I can't cook. I don't buy groceries on a regular basis. I'm not getting enough sleep ever. I work too much. I don't drink enough water. I dress weather appropriate a lot of the time. I'm trying really hard all the time, but sometimes the (almost) unbearable weight of existence really affects me.
3. It's very hard for me to focus on much else when things feel off with someone I care about. That's happening multiple places right now, and I can't help but let it consume way too much of my brain space and energy.

I feel close in so many places, but also so far away. The sun shines for a day and it negates the gray. I get three solid meals and a real night of sleep and I feel like a million bucks. Issues with friends are sorted and almost literal weights are lifted off my shoulders...

but then it all comes back around and I feel anxious again for whatever reason. I'm trying so hard to move past these feelings, really I am. But, it's tough to change the way that you intellectualize things. This xkcd cartoon really succinctly sums it up;

Right?



Really, I am fine. My life is beautiful, I know this. Sometimes it just feels like I need to crawl under my bed for a few days, not deal with the real world, and come out a changed and rejuvenated woman.

You know I'll call you eventually, when I wanna talk. Til then you're invisible.

Friends,

Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching (I almost typed 'rabidly'. Some people probably feel that the imminency of this day is akin to a slobbering, crazed animal). How do you feel about that? Excited? Nervous? Sad? Lonely? 

Please don't misunderstand me here. I am all about love. Love is literally the language of my life. All I want is for people to be good to each other, to love and respect one another, to have love for animals, for the Earth, for anything that they can't understand. You know hippy treehugger kind of love. I believe so strongly in the power of love. And I try so hard to have love in my heart for everyone. That's not to say that I love everyone, just that I attempt to see each human that I interact with as someone worthy of my respect simply because they are another human being trying to figure out the best way to live their life just like me. I'm not successful all the time by any means, but I try. All I'm really saying here is that love is the basis of my understanding of the world, it's very important to me.

With this description of myself it might seem odd that I don't care for Valentine's Day. I don't like how artificial it feels. I love the idea of a day about love, it's great to go out for a fancy dinner with your loved one, to buy chocolates and flowers, to just tell someone how much they mean to you, but it feels so artificial to me. One saturated day of 'love' doesn't make up for prior negligence. If you love someone you should show them that all the time. You should do special things without needing a day to tell you to do so. 

To be fair, I'm a big old hypocrite because on the other hand I'm sitting here wishing that I had a boy in my life that I really cared for, that would buy me a nice dinner and chocolates and flowers, and tell me how much I meant to him. But I don't and I haven't ever for Valentine's Day (that might contribute to the non-affection for the day...maybe a little bit). 

Am I sad to not be in a relationship on Valentine's Day? Kind of, I guess. But, I'm also really happy, and appreciative. 

I appreciate all the boys that ultimately didn't end up with me, they did me a huge favor. I appreciate all the boys that think that I'm smart, and pretty, and funny, and nice, and great, and wonderful, and awesome, and beautiful, and any other flattering adjective that’s been thrown in my direction, but didn’t end up with me. I appreciate them because my experiences with them have run the gamut of the emotional spectrum from bad to wonderful. But most importantly, they've taught me to put my faith in me. Having never been in a 'serious relationship', I know how to be alone. That's what I know. I've had a lot of time to work out understanding myself. I know exactly who I am. 

I think people sometimes misinterpret my less than awesome self esteem as lack of self knowledge. I have had a lot of time to discover many things about myself. I know my high points and my annoying quirks. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I joke too much, I take things too personally sometimes, ya know...annoying stuff. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I know that. And I am so incredibly thankful for that. Knowing how to be on your own is so important. 

Am I saying that there hasn't been a ton of times that I've been bummed about not having a boyfriend? No. There certainly have been. I've cried about it, been crazy confused, felt just on the cusp and had it slip away. That sucks. A ton. It's the worst feeling when something that feels nice and safe and comfortable and exciting just falls apart and you don't understand what happened. Or you keep blaming yourself or trying to find what it is that you did wrong, when really you didn't do anything. The timing just wasn't right, and maybe it's never going to be, maybe it is. And that's the hardest part; you never know. I've deemed this my year of no expectations, meaning that I'm trying very hard not to expect anything from anyone and to rely on myself as much as possible. And to just have fun. 

Kind of in summation; 

Dear boys who have dented my armor, broken my heart, not even given me the time of day,

Thank you. I know who I am because of your lack of interest and that is invaluable. I couldn’t have done it without you. I couldn’t have done it with you either. Really, thanks.

Love,

Tianna

the persistence of memory

Remember when we were all freaking out about Y2K? And by 'all' I mean, you know, the crazies. And I was nine so I didn't really understand the severity of the situation if the worst fears of the fanatics were to come to fruition.

That was silly. Because if everything reset to zero we would really need rolls and rolls of toilet paper and duct tape. We would come by salvation with adhesives and 2-ply.

Y2K was thirteen years ago, scaling back even farther, the earliest memory I have is standing in my crib saying 'daddy! daddy! get me!' I must have been around two. That was 1993. Twenty years ago. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it countless more times throughout my life; I cannot get a solid grasp on the passage of time. It feels like this when I try too hard to make it make sense:

It's challenging to fathom that I have been in existence for almost twenty two years. It feels like forever. It feels like minutes.

You know those points in your life that you wanted to remember as special? You want to always carry with you what it smelled like, the quality of light, the feelings, the sheer bliss of being happily and easily content. Those moments that you will always carry. Your arsenal of safe places and satisfied hearts.

In the nearly twenty two years that I've been alive I've accumulated more of those moments than I feel I deserve. It's been an amazing ride so far and I am and have been surrounded and supported by the most wonderful, beautiful, genuine network of friends a girl could ask for. Sometimes I'm thankful for arbitrary times for reflection such as the beginning of a new year, so that I can call on my arsenal, spend time with many of those great friends, and realize how truly lucky I am to be living the life I have.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting in the past few days/weeks/months a lot of looking back, as you do at the close and opening of a year. I have been here in this apartment with Jessica for a year now and it's been great. Many people tried to advise me not to live with my best friend, that it would change things. Nothing has changed, if anything I feel closer than ever before. It is so comfortable and safe to come home to your best friend. A lot of memories have been made here, a lot of special moments.

JANUARY

New Year's Eve party. My first real night spent in our place. I hadn't moved in yet so none of my stuff was here. It was a great night. Different groups of friends came together and talked and laughed and drank. I love having parties. It feels so good to be in your home, surrounded by your friends, having fun. I had a deep heart to heart on the floor of my not yet furnished room about boys and life and everything with my best friend's boyfriend.

A few days later I moved in and the adventure started.

FEBRUARY

The semester started in January, but February is when it started to grate on me. I started winter biking and was not prepared for the ease with which one can slip and fall off in the ice and snow. I had class Monday through Thursday at 8AM and Friday at 9AM. I worked five or six nights a week. I was beginning to feel tired all the time, like I was being robbed of all my freedom. Despondency begin to set in.

I was asked on a blind date by the friends of a 'nice guy' who spotted me in the cafeteria at Nolte at the U. They 'thought I was adorable' and 'were just wondering if I'd be interested'. That was sweet and cute. I accepted.

MARCH

I went on a few dates and realized that I didn't have the space in my head or my heart to care about the needs and desires of another human being. I realized, with the help of the people that love me, that all of my time was being devoted to school and work and other people and that I was sacrificing my self and my energy because of it. I had a bit of a breakdown. I couldn't work less, and I couldn't cut back on school. But with the root of my problems discovered I started working on focussing on me. I have never been good at this. I've always been very concerned with the needs of others to the point that I spend no time addressing my own wants and needs. It also didn't help that Winter was happening. It never does.

APRIL

Warmth returned to land of 10,000 lakes and the innermost corners of my life. Spring has a way of making me feel like a million bucks like nothing else. It makes me feel infinite and invincible. It makes me feel like nothing can touch me and that I can do anything I set my mind to. The possibility and promise becomes limitless again when the ice and snow melt away revealing the grass that you always knew you'd see again, but left a hole that couldn't be filled by anything but it's return.

I started planning. I started taking time for myself. I started saying 'no' to covering shifts. I started to really smile again. My days stopped feeling like I was behind oily glass with earmuffs on.

MAY

School was out and I turned twenty-one! I celebrated twice, I fell in love with the bartender who most certainly did not have eyes for the ladies, got kissed by a cute (?) pirate-y looking boy, and only threw up once. Successes if you ask me.

JUNEJULYAUGUST

It sprawled and was over in the blink of an eye. It has a way of doing that. My roommate and another one of my closest friends were gone for big chunks of the summer which was a bummer. Other friends had vastly different schedules than me, also a bummer. I was beginning to feel the chills of winter wrap around me even though my apartment was 100+ degrees for weeks. Sometimes it feels like you can't escape its clutches no matter how high the thermostat climbs. And I expected it to be like last summer which was a complete emotional roller coaster full of magic. It wasn't the same. It never is.

I had so much fun though. I spent so many more days and nights with people I love but don't see enough. I went on dates with an alarmingly attractive dude who didn't give a shit. I let some of my emotional baggage go. I sweated in the sun and basked in the glow of Calhoun every day. It was beautiful and brilliant and I wouldn't trade it.

I saw Beirut. I biked under fireworks which felt like they were meant for me. I rollerbladed down hills at alarming rates and was pushed backward by the wind. I spent the fourth of July at a farm with friends and horses. And as the Summer wrapped up I was read to go back to school.

SEPTEMBER

School. My final semester as an undergraduate. Two classes that didn't begin until 4PM only two days a week. It was going to be a breeze. Apocalyptic Literature and a Senior Seminar on pulp novels and communism. Both were fascinating. Both professors were amazing. One of them firstly, gave me a call to help review for the test and then in noticing I sounded sick (because I was) let me do the final as a take home test. If you are now or plan on being a student at the university of minnesota and have the opportunity to take a class from John Watkins, take it. He is a wonderful teacher and person.

OCTOBER

School school school. Work work work. Not doing research on my senior paper. Halloween!

NOVEMBER

Scrambling to pump out fifteen pages of the barest most minimum adequacy for the rough draft of my senior paper.

I got it back and it was just red. And just hated. It deserved to be. 'You know, Tianna, I think you completely missed the point of the article you're arguing against.'

I had two weeks to write a satisfactory twenty page paper on something completely different.

Thanksgiving! This was a time for me to think about all the things that make me happy and all the privileges and wonderful things I have.

I went on some fun dates. And I was happy. Going into Winter I was content, excited, and hopeful that this one wouldn't bring me down like it always does.

I started serving at Tosca, connected to the Linden Hills turtle bread, a new job in an old company. It's familiar enough to not be really scary, but different enough to make things interesting and it's $$$.


DECEMBER

I finished my senior paper, literally minutes before it was due. And that night I graduated. I don't mean to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of the fact that I graduated in three and a half years. The U doesn't seem to think it's that big of a deal because the ceremony for winter graduates is basically the dean talks music generic student speech the dean talks again the end. Anticlimactic. I'm still really proud of myself.

More dates.

A sense of incredible freedom. Not for sixteen years had I not had to worry about school.

Parties and late nights. Lots of these. Lots of fun. Sometimes a little too much.

A bit of a bummer right before Christmas. But a bummer that's probably for the best. You know, the kind that suck, like bummers always do, but are better for you and anyone else involved in the long run?

Christmas! Family and warmth and love and all that.

And then New Year's Eve. What a night that was. So many people packed into my apartment. So many moments I want to keep. So much love. (A little too much alcohol.)

These are just moments from the last year, concrete or less developed that I remember, that I can hold, that make more sense than the idea of time. It was incredible. I feel like I have done more growing up in the last year than ever before.

I even have a college degree now! Well I don't technically because it hasn't been mailed yet, but I will soon!

And I am still not letting the cold and the dark get to me. I am comfortable and happy. I hope you are too.

2012 was growing up and getting out of my comfort zone. It was new experiences and old experiences in a new light. It was crazy, the world almost ended! Remember how that was a thing?

I have four goals for the next year;
1. No expectations
2. Let go of the things I have no control over
3. Plan!
4. Good posture (I don't want no hunch back!)

I hope when you look back on your moments they bring you what you need whether that's cheering up, thoughtfulness, clarity or anything else. I hope 2012 was good to you and I hope 2013 is even better.

Happy New Year!