For some reason, off and on I suffer from a kind of reverse insomnia, I'm able to fall asleep, but I'm not able to stay asleep. Waking up at 2:45 and laying awake for hours while the world sleeps on is one of the most frustrating and irritating things that I've experienced.
Last night, for example, I had a dream that I was marooned on Liberty Island. And more specifically in the statue of liberty's head. My mission was to somehow get back to New York City. Apparently in Tianna Dream Land there are a ton of barriers between Liberty Island and NYC, namely, electrically charged buoys that descend all the way down the dark depths to the bottom of the ocean. Not just one set of these, but many.
In the dream I made it past all but one of the sets. They didn't extend literally all the way to the ocean floor. There was the tiniest bit of free space that i was able to maneuver through. However, when I reached the final set of buoys, I was not able to make it through because those did indeed connect to the ocean floor, and go down even deeper.
Right as my (dream) oxygen supply was dwindling, almost to the bitter end, trapped at the bottom of the sea, I woke up.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Tianna, what do you think about this? What does it mean?" On the other hand, maybe you don't think that dreams mean anything, but this is my blog after all, and I do, so you're asking yourself what it all means.
I think it's really pretty literal here; I feel like I'm trapped under water. I've passed many obstacles, but can't find a way to get where I really want to go. This is not a very primo feeling, let me tell you. Lately, I have such a feeling of apprehension, of nervous energy, and silly unhappiness.
Why, you say? Well, I'll tell you;
1. The winter lasted (and held on) for a disgusting amount of time. Seriously it's been consistently cloudy for 6 months. How does one deal with that? I can't. SAD is real, and it makes me real sad.
2. I keep thinking that I have most of my shit figured out or sorted out or something. At least I might be on the way and then it hits me that I have no idea how to be an adult. I can't cook. I don't buy groceries on a regular basis. I'm not getting enough sleep ever. I work too much. I don't drink enough water. I dress weather appropriate a lot of the time. I'm trying really hard all the time, but sometimes the (almost) unbearable weight of existence really affects me.
3. It's very hard for me to focus on much else when things feel off with someone I care about. That's happening multiple places right now, and I can't help but let it consume way too much of my brain space and energy.
I feel close in so many places, but also so far away. The sun shines for a day and it negates the gray. I get three solid meals and a real night of sleep and I feel like a million bucks. Issues with friends are sorted and almost literal weights are lifted off my shoulders...
but then it all comes back around and I feel anxious again for whatever reason. I'm trying so hard to move past these feelings, really I am. But, it's tough to change the way that you intellectualize things. This xkcd cartoon really succinctly sums it up;
Right?
Really, I am fine. My life is beautiful, I know this. Sometimes it just feels like I need to crawl under my bed for a few days, not deal with the real world, and come out a changed and rejuvenated woman.
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