water is the only drink for a wise man

Sometimes nothing real is more beautiful to me than Lake Harriet on a sunny summer evening. Nothing. 

Especially when unreal things seem so much more appealing. Like destroying Horcruxes with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Or trying to solve Harriet Vanger's murder with Mikael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Salander.

Sometimes my life doesn't feel like it's something that's happening to me or maybe that's not quite accurate. Sometimes I feel like my life should be in the pages of the books that I'm reading or the epic day dreams I have because they seem so much...better. Not that I have any real complaints with my life. It's a good life. It's only that sometimes the life that I want to be living and the life that I have feel like they're worlds apart, you know? 

But nothing can pull me out of that feeling like Lake Harriet in the summer, especially when it's getting closer to dark. When there are shadows and all the trees are looming around me. I feel like my city is hugging me and telling me that everything is going to be okay. It's a good feeling.

And that feeling makes me realize that everything is okay and that just because I have grandiose(ish) visions of my life the things that I want are not unattainable, especially if I do something about it. 

Which has really inspired me to do something about it.

Stay tuned.

and in a year, a year or so this will slip into the sea

Another year of my life has ended. Or started depending on how you see it. Or really both, I guess.

Sometimes it scares me that time doesn't ever stop. It never takes a rest, time gets no time off. No matter how static you feel you are constantly moving forward full speed into the future. Sometimes that's a thought that I can't handle.

It's a bit hard for me to believe that I have existed on this planet for nineteen whole years. Nineteen amazing, brilliant, occasionally not the greatest, (insert basically any other adjective that comes to mind) years. It feels simultaneously like ages and moments. I don't think I'll ever understand how time seems to move at least two different speeds at once. 

I remember waking up on my seventh birthday and being elated at the thought that I was no longer six and had made it to this mystical, exciting new age. I'm not sure what made me believe that seven was going to be mystical and exciting, but trust me, this is how I felt. I remember like it was yesterday, but it wasn't. It was twelve years ago. Twelve years. That's a long time. 

You know the moments in your life where you think "I want to remember this when I'm ___." ? You want your brain to store it as a marker of passed time. Even if it's incredibly mundane. Turning seven was one of those markers in my life. And right now I'm sitting in the exact same spot that I woke up to begin my seventh year of life, about to fall asleep on the first night of my nineteenth. Everything is so different but so...the same. 

When I was seven I thought that by the time I reached the ripe old age of nineteen I would have my life mapped out completely. Needless to say, that is nowhere near the case. Lately I feel I've been painting myself into a few too many corners. My seven year old self is taking charge, trying to tell me that this is the point at which I was supposed to "have it all figured out," whatever that means. And I've had many a freak out this year about the fact that I don't know what I'm "going to do with my life". But, I'm realizing (my nineteen year old self is taking the reins from little seven) that it's okay, I don't have to know anything. There are so many things that I could be, that I could do. Why decide so soon? I was intimidated by the uncertainty, but now I am so excited and inspired by the endless possibilities. It's going to be a good summer people, I can feel it. Stay tuned. 

Today has been a beautiful, wonderful day. My parents bought me a new bike and rollerblades. Both of which, I am very excited about. Yes, both. Mockable as rollerblades seem to be to some people. They remind me of my youth; (I'm hoping) they'll have just enough nostalgic appeal to make up for the fact that I haven't done any serious rollerblading in years. Nostalgia doesn't work overnight my dears, it's been awhile.

Although sometimes, because of the emotional depth of a situation, things that are close can seem a lot more distant. A little more than two years ago I met this amazing human being, one of my bestest friends in the whole world, Emma J. Mayer. She is the best. We only met two years ago but it really feels like I've known her all my life. Today she surprised me. I was just walking out the door, and when I say walking I mean almost falling, about to give the rollerblades (!) a test run when I saw a car and a woman that I recognized. Emma jumped out of the car and handed me a plate of cookies, a note, (sidenote: this is an Oxford Comma, right?) and a mix. It was so unexpected and lovely. The mix is awesome, the cookies are great, and the note made me cry. Who could ask for anything more?

I am so appreciative of all the acknowledgements of my birth, from everyone. I've heard from a few people today that I hadn't heard from in quite a while and it's nice to know that even though we haven't talked in some time they wanted to pass along some birthday salutations. It really doesn't take much to make me smile, contrary to what some may believe (that's another story for another time).

Some people are incredibly good at expressing themselves in the their own words. Others are very skilled at taking words written by different people and bringing them to life. And still others are almost infuriatingly talented at both or, a bit pitiably, adept at neither. Often I find myself falling into the last category, I'm not incoherent, I just have trouble saying exactly what I mean, the way I want to, sometimes (...often).  But recently words have been pouring out of me like a (pro)verbial flood. (I realize verbial isn't a word, but this was my attempt at wit.) Which is to say; I've been writing a lot lately. I've never been much of a writer at least not by my own estimation, but I'm all about the possibilities right now. I'm going to let my pen do the talking for as long as it wants and see what rabbit holes it leads me down.

Now I know I said that my next post was going to be devoted to Lost, but I figure if you're reading this and you haven't seen Lost I don't want to ruin it for you. Because, trust me, you want to experience that show unspoiled. And I'm afraid that I won't be able to do Lost justice with my words. But I'll do my best to say what I feel about it.

The other night I was out to dinner with my mom and a friend of hers. We were discussing Lost and she made a comment that put things in perspective. She said, "I understand why the end of Lost is such a big deal to you. It's been with you for almost a third of your life". A third of my life, I've (and many others have) invested six years in these people and this story and I have grown to love them. I've had countless conversations with friends and family about everything from the show's bigger picture to its miniscule minutia. Dissecting every detail because it was just that good. I know many people will say that it's only a tv show, but it isn't, at least not to me. It's an epic and brilliant and deep and witty and challenging and infuriating (and on and on and on...) experience that I participated in with millions of other people. It made me laugh, it made me cry, but most of all it made me think. About everything. It challenged many of my perceptions of the world. Not only was the writing brilliant, but the actors were incredibly talented. To anyone who feels like they didn't get enough answers, I have two things;

1. The show is called Lost not You will get the answers to everything that occurs on this show.

2. If that's all you cared about, you missed the point. At its heart the show was about the characters and how lost each of them were both physically and emotionally, and their eventual finding of themselves and their redemption.

I could go on and on, but I won't. 

Lost was amazing, there has never been anything else like it. The end was beautiful and cathartic and brilliant. It has touched my soul in many ways and I will miss it more than I can ever say.

Now that I've poured my heart out to you blog world, I think it's time for bed. I need to be well rested to jump headfirst into this new year. I'm ready for it.

Sweet Dreams.

ps I'm kind of in love with Damon Lindelof.

old enough to know better but too young to care

These last few days have been beautiful.

Tuesday, I got up, ate some breakfast, and went on a lovely bike ride with my dear friend Lizzie. We biked around Harriet and then to and around Nokomis. After that I met up with Addie and Lizzie joined us after getting her tan on a bit at Nokomis. We had some nice little wraps for lunch.

After having a lovely time with my pals, I went to Hale School where I help tutor third graders in reading and math. This is the last week of tutoring so we made rootbeer floats and played outside. After a while the kids were like "What should we do? How much time do we have?" And I was thought to myself..."hmm time...kids like to be timed don't they?" So they used my cell phone to time each other running around the playground. They were just having a great time. I'm so happy that I got the opportunity to work with these kids, they were great and they improved so much over the year. It was a really great experience to have and made me realize how much I really would love to be a teacher.

After that gratifying experience I went out to dinner at HauteDish which was absolutely lovely. The presentation, proportion, and taste was absolutely right. It was so good. Then one of the most exciting things in my life happened (kind of exaggerating...but not really). I attended Conan O'Brien's "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour". It was the best. I love (!) Conan, so much. Actually being in the same room as him was such an exciting experience. He was hilarious and candid. At one point they did a segment from Late Night that was just about my favorite thing ever; Conan would pull a lever attached to his desk and a "random" Walker, Texas Ranger clip would play. When they brought the lever out on stage it was totally silent and I said "YES!" really loudly and Conan smiled and kind of pointed at me. Basically he acknowledged my existence which was stupidly exciting to me.

Wednesday- Emma and I just hung out and watched a few episodes of Lost, which is just about the best way that I can think of to spend my time. (Sidenote: I don't think i've mentioned how much I love Lost in this blog. I'll say it right now, Lost is one of my favorite things to ever exist...ever. I don't know if I can express in words how much I legitimately love that show.)

Yesterday- Jessica and I went on a bike ride, which was awesome. Then we took a bunch of her old books to this store called paperback exchange, which is really cool by the way. You should check it out. It's right off of 50th and Penn. Later, Addie and went to this thing called "TimesTalksLive", where someone from the New York Times interviews someone in New York and said interview is broadcast live to theaters across America. Last night the interviewees were Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, the men behind Lost. Now I don't know if you read the sidenote up there, but I love Lost, so this was great. And it was even better when Michael Emerson and Jorge Garcia showed up. They all seem like such awesome human beings. It's hard for me to believe that Lost is coming to an end on Sunday night (I'll stop talking about Lost now and devote my next post solely to it; my love, my reaction to the finale, etc.). 

These last few days have been the best way ever to kick of my summer vacation. It makes me feel like this summer is going to be a really really good one.

Because I know that time is always time and place is always and only place

A few thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain;

"Remembering is not the opposite of forgetting."

This is a quote from the film that we watched today in my film studies class, Sans Soleil, a very interesting 

film. The rest of the quote was something about how remembering is a process of rewriting. Before we 

watched the film we talked about the concept of "imaginary homelands", as explained by Salman Rushdie. 

The idea that your "homeland" isn't real, especially if you're physically separated from it. We construct our idea of what home is based on our memories, but our memories are not perfect, far from it. So, the place we construct is somewhere that never existed, and therefore a place we will never be able to find. Depressing? Kind of. But also interesting to think about. 

I mean really think about it. There are some moments in my life that, while they were happening, I felt were so important and that I could never possibly forget any detail. Looking back, I have forgotten, I have rewritten. I've filled in the blanks. Even the really big things that I do remember very clearly, I'm sure I don't remember absolutely every detail & I wonder how much of my past is "real" & how much is rewritten. 

I guess it doesn't really matter.

VY Canis Majoris is the largest known star. 

This is another thing that has been boggling my mind lately. Astronomy is so fascinating, every lecture seems to come with at least one jaw dropping moment. Well, I've always been a fan of stars, they're beautiful. And I always knew that they were big and far away and that some of them were really big and really far away. I guess I just never realized quite how big or far away they could be. So, VY Canis Majoris is the largest known star. How large, you say? Well, it's radius is about equal to the distance from Saturn to the sun. That's nine AU, or astronomical units. One AU= the average distance from Earth to the Sun= about 93 million miles. So that means that the radius of VY Canis Majoris is  9x93,000,000 miles & it's diameter is about 18x93,000,00 miles, which is about 1,674,000,000 miles across. 

One billion six hundred and seventy four million miles across. 

I actually can't handle that. I had no idea that something that large existed. It absolutely blows my mind. It makes me feel so incredibly, inconceivably, insignificantly small.  But not in a bad or scary way. Compared to the overwhelming vastness of something like VY Canis Majoris, I feel like I am so small in comparison that I can just fit into the universe. Which is a comforting thought to me.

"The people are with you and won't be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment."

The dean of the college of cardinals, Angelo Sodano said this to the Pope this past weekend. He said this in reference to the many sex scandals within the Catholic church that have recently been coming to light. 

"Petty gossip", are you kidding me? This is not petty gossip of the moment, hundreds of people seem to have been affected over the last three or four decades, which makes this neither petty, nor of the moment. And, it seems now that the church knew much more about this than they've ever let on. And their way of dealing with the abuse, move the priest to a different church. Really? 

I just find it really ironic and kind of infuriating when people or organizations that have such a holier than thou attitude, and claim to be the moral authority, do something like this. It's like, you're not better than me.

I feel the same way about people who make statements like "people who don't support the war, don't love this country". How do you get to decide that? Because you support the war, you're more of a "patriot" than I am? You're a "better American"? No. You're not. 

I guess what it boils down to is the presumption that some person or organization has that it is morally "better" than someone or something else, is really frustrating to me. And it's even more frustrating when this alleged moral authority turns out to not be very moral at all.

uptown it's dead now but here no one seems to care at all

Well I've been a bit of an epic failure at blogging thus far. It seems to be about three and half months since my last & only post. Whoops. 

I'm going to make much more of a legitimate effort from now on. K? K. Glad we're agreed on that.

Last night I saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, really really quality film. I've been informed that the actual Swedish title (Man som hatar kvinnor) literally translates to "one who hates women" or "men who hate women", which puts an interesting spin on my perception of the film. It was also pretty graphic at times, but very well acted, really interesting, and I would definitely recommend it. 

After the film I enjoyed my first dining experience at Chino Latino. It was loud and crowded, in a good way. You know how that happens? Because often when I find myself in a loud & crowded place, it's in a really annoying way. But this was nice; people were out & about doing their thing, enjoying the evening. The food was lovely as well. And the fortune in my fortune cookie was Do you know where we can score some really good weed? Hilarious. So overall A+ for the evening.

Also, blog world, I'm having a bit of a crisis. Not really a crisis, I guess that's a bit too strong. But, the thing is, I realized recently that I have no idea what I want to "do with my life". For really as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a teacher, at least part of me has. But, now I'm not so sure I feel like there's so many other options to explore & so many possibilities that I haven't even thought of. I know that this is so typical of someone my age. Knowing that doesn't make it any less frustrating though. I just started working at Turtle Bread last week & I really like it so far. Sometimes I think it would be really fun to own my own restaurant/cafe/coffee shop/etc. 

I just don't know.

This is the first day of my life

So.

I decided it was high time that I started a blog. I've been flirting with the idea for quite some time and I just kept not doing it because I assumed that it would be an arduous process and sometimes I am a lazy girl. Turns out, it was just about the easiest thing ever. Well, I guess you know what they say about assuming.

I don't really know where to start. A lot of people I know that have blogs have some sort of theme or purpose. I really don't except for the fact that I enjoy writing about my life and reading about other peoples lives.

I guess since it's that time of year I'll start with a really meaningful experience I had this past weekend and some things that I'm happy about/thankful for. But first, a bit of background, this past summer I decided, like many 18 year old girls, that I needed to get healthier because I was not satisfied with myself. So, I started eating a lot healthier and riding my bike around lake harriet everyday. Long story short, I tried really hard to eat well and ride my bike just about everday, it's been about 5 months and I've lost my goal amount of weight and I feel so much better. And now I can't imagine not eating healthy or not exercising, which I love. This is not to say that I am wonderful or amazing in any way, just that I am happy and feel really good in my own skin.

Now, to the story from last weekend. This past Saturday I went to a free yoga class (this was my second yoga class ever). The difficulty level may have been beginner, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't second class ever beginner. I'm still a little sore and it's Tuesday. Anyway, toward the end of the class we were lying on backs and the instructor told us to be thankful for this class and the opportunity to make spirtual connections with other people, etc. I know this might sound a little... "that would happen at a yoga class", I guess cliché is the word I'm looking for. But, it didn't feel cliché and it gave me the opportunity to realize that for the first time in my life, I truly love my body. I know that I'm not perfect and that's okay with me. But, I also know that I'm doing a really good job keeping my body healthy. It was quite a revelation.

I know that might not seem too heavy to some, but it meant really a lot to me.

Since Saturday I have been in a pretty great mood. This week has gone very nicely. Saturday I went to yoga and had major revelation moment. Sunday I spent most of the day watching the fifth season of lost with one of the awesomest people I have ever known. Yesterday, I presented my final project for my theater class, which was a performance of a scene from Lysistrata that my group wrote (updated the setting and characters from Ancient Greece & soldiers wives to modern America "sex and the cityesque" politician's wives), staged, directed, and performed. Our final assignment in that class is to watch and make comments about another groups performance, each section selects one performance, and my group's performance got voted by my section to go online to be commented on. And then finally today, I had my last French oral of the semester which I was kind of freaking out about. But, my professor said that my pronounciation & grammar was great and that I obviously put a lot of thought into what I was going to say. I was so relieved. It's just nice &...unexpected when things that you're a bit apprehensive about end up going really well.

That's pretty much my life, at least my life as of the past Saturday.

So I have one class tomorrow and then nothing (meaning ridiculous amounts of studying) on Thursday or most of Friday until 6:30 when I have my French final and then nothing (probably even more ridiculous amounts of studying because I'm much more apprehensive about this final) on Saturday until 4:00 when I have my Anthrolopology final. I would sincerely appreciate good wishes being sent my way from 6:30 to 8:30 on Friday and 4:00 to 6:00 on Saturday, especially Saturday. And then after that I'm on break until the 19th of January, which is just about the most glorious thought of my life.