to offer it to you would be cruel when all I want to do is use you

It is so late and I should so be sleeping, but I am suffering from a hardcore case of insomnia. Yikes. I have to be at work in 6 hours. Double yikes.

For some reason, off and on I suffer from a kind of reverse insomnia, I'm able to fall asleep, but I'm not able to stay asleep. Waking up at 2:45 and laying awake for hours while the world sleeps on is one of the most frustrating and irritating things that I've experienced.

Last night, for example, I had a dream that I was marooned on Liberty Island. And more specifically in the statue of liberty's head. My mission was to somehow get back to New York City. Apparently in Tianna Dream Land there are a ton of barriers between Liberty Island and NYC, namely, electrically charged buoys that descend all the way down the dark depths to the bottom of the ocean. Not just one set of these, but many.

In the dream I made it past all but one of the sets. They didn't extend literally all the way to the ocean floor. There was the tiniest bit of free space that i was able to maneuver through. However, when I reached the final set of buoys, I was not able to make it through because those did indeed connect to the ocean floor, and go down even deeper.

Right as my (dream) oxygen supply was dwindling, almost to the bitter end, trapped at the bottom of the sea, I woke up.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Tianna, what do you think about this? What does it mean?" On the other hand, maybe you don't think that dreams mean anything, but this is my blog after all, and I do, so you're asking yourself what it all means.

I think it's really pretty literal here; I feel like I'm trapped under water. I've passed many obstacles, but can't find a way to get where I really want to go. This is not a very primo feeling, let me tell you. Lately, I have such a feeling of apprehension, of nervous energy, and silly unhappiness.

Why, you say? Well, I'll tell you;
1. The winter lasted (and held on) for a disgusting amount of time. Seriously it's been consistently cloudy for 6 months. How does one deal with that? I can't. SAD is real, and it makes me real sad.
2. I keep thinking that I have most of my shit figured out or sorted out or something. At least I might be on the way and then it hits me that I have no idea how to be an adult. I can't cook. I don't buy groceries on a regular basis. I'm not getting enough sleep ever. I work too much. I don't drink enough water. I dress weather appropriate a lot of the time. I'm trying really hard all the time, but sometimes the (almost) unbearable weight of existence really affects me.
3. It's very hard for me to focus on much else when things feel off with someone I care about. That's happening multiple places right now, and I can't help but let it consume way too much of my brain space and energy.

I feel close in so many places, but also so far away. The sun shines for a day and it negates the gray. I get three solid meals and a real night of sleep and I feel like a million bucks. Issues with friends are sorted and almost literal weights are lifted off my shoulders...

but then it all comes back around and I feel anxious again for whatever reason. I'm trying so hard to move past these feelings, really I am. But, it's tough to change the way that you intellectualize things. This xkcd cartoon really succinctly sums it up;

Right?



Really, I am fine. My life is beautiful, I know this. Sometimes it just feels like I need to crawl under my bed for a few days, not deal with the real world, and come out a changed and rejuvenated woman.

You know I'll call you eventually, when I wanna talk. Til then you're invisible.

Friends,

Valentine's Day is rapidly approaching (I almost typed 'rabidly'. Some people probably feel that the imminency of this day is akin to a slobbering, crazed animal). How do you feel about that? Excited? Nervous? Sad? Lonely? 

Please don't misunderstand me here. I am all about love. Love is literally the language of my life. All I want is for people to be good to each other, to love and respect one another, to have love for animals, for the Earth, for anything that they can't understand. You know hippy treehugger kind of love. I believe so strongly in the power of love. And I try so hard to have love in my heart for everyone. That's not to say that I love everyone, just that I attempt to see each human that I interact with as someone worthy of my respect simply because they are another human being trying to figure out the best way to live their life just like me. I'm not successful all the time by any means, but I try. All I'm really saying here is that love is the basis of my understanding of the world, it's very important to me.

With this description of myself it might seem odd that I don't care for Valentine's Day. I don't like how artificial it feels. I love the idea of a day about love, it's great to go out for a fancy dinner with your loved one, to buy chocolates and flowers, to just tell someone how much they mean to you, but it feels so artificial to me. One saturated day of 'love' doesn't make up for prior negligence. If you love someone you should show them that all the time. You should do special things without needing a day to tell you to do so. 

To be fair, I'm a big old hypocrite because on the other hand I'm sitting here wishing that I had a boy in my life that I really cared for, that would buy me a nice dinner and chocolates and flowers, and tell me how much I meant to him. But I don't and I haven't ever for Valentine's Day (that might contribute to the non-affection for the day...maybe a little bit). 

Am I sad to not be in a relationship on Valentine's Day? Kind of, I guess. But, I'm also really happy, and appreciative. 

I appreciate all the boys that ultimately didn't end up with me, they did me a huge favor. I appreciate all the boys that think that I'm smart, and pretty, and funny, and nice, and great, and wonderful, and awesome, and beautiful, and any other flattering adjective that’s been thrown in my direction, but didn’t end up with me. I appreciate them because my experiences with them have run the gamut of the emotional spectrum from bad to wonderful. But most importantly, they've taught me to put my faith in me. Having never been in a 'serious relationship', I know how to be alone. That's what I know. I've had a lot of time to work out understanding myself. I know exactly who I am. 

I think people sometimes misinterpret my less than awesome self esteem as lack of self knowledge. I have had a lot of time to discover many things about myself. I know my high points and my annoying quirks. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I joke too much, I take things too personally sometimes, ya know...annoying stuff. I am not perfect, not by a long shot, but I know that. And I am so incredibly thankful for that. Knowing how to be on your own is so important. 

Am I saying that there hasn't been a ton of times that I've been bummed about not having a boyfriend? No. There certainly have been. I've cried about it, been crazy confused, felt just on the cusp and had it slip away. That sucks. A ton. It's the worst feeling when something that feels nice and safe and comfortable and exciting just falls apart and you don't understand what happened. Or you keep blaming yourself or trying to find what it is that you did wrong, when really you didn't do anything. The timing just wasn't right, and maybe it's never going to be, maybe it is. And that's the hardest part; you never know. I've deemed this my year of no expectations, meaning that I'm trying very hard not to expect anything from anyone and to rely on myself as much as possible. And to just have fun. 

Kind of in summation; 

Dear boys who have dented my armor, broken my heart, not even given me the time of day,

Thank you. I know who I am because of your lack of interest and that is invaluable. I couldn’t have done it without you. I couldn’t have done it with you either. Really, thanks.

Love,

Tianna

the persistence of memory

Remember when we were all freaking out about Y2K? And by 'all' I mean, you know, the crazies. And I was nine so I didn't really understand the severity of the situation if the worst fears of the fanatics were to come to fruition.

That was silly. Because if everything reset to zero we would really need rolls and rolls of toilet paper and duct tape. We would come by salvation with adhesives and 2-ply.

Y2K was thirteen years ago, scaling back even farther, the earliest memory I have is standing in my crib saying 'daddy! daddy! get me!' I must have been around two. That was 1993. Twenty years ago. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it countless more times throughout my life; I cannot get a solid grasp on the passage of time. It feels like this when I try too hard to make it make sense:

It's challenging to fathom that I have been in existence for almost twenty two years. It feels like forever. It feels like minutes.

You know those points in your life that you wanted to remember as special? You want to always carry with you what it smelled like, the quality of light, the feelings, the sheer bliss of being happily and easily content. Those moments that you will always carry. Your arsenal of safe places and satisfied hearts.

In the nearly twenty two years that I've been alive I've accumulated more of those moments than I feel I deserve. It's been an amazing ride so far and I am and have been surrounded and supported by the most wonderful, beautiful, genuine network of friends a girl could ask for. Sometimes I'm thankful for arbitrary times for reflection such as the beginning of a new year, so that I can call on my arsenal, spend time with many of those great friends, and realize how truly lucky I am to be living the life I have.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting in the past few days/weeks/months a lot of looking back, as you do at the close and opening of a year. I have been here in this apartment with Jessica for a year now and it's been great. Many people tried to advise me not to live with my best friend, that it would change things. Nothing has changed, if anything I feel closer than ever before. It is so comfortable and safe to come home to your best friend. A lot of memories have been made here, a lot of special moments.

JANUARY

New Year's Eve party. My first real night spent in our place. I hadn't moved in yet so none of my stuff was here. It was a great night. Different groups of friends came together and talked and laughed and drank. I love having parties. It feels so good to be in your home, surrounded by your friends, having fun. I had a deep heart to heart on the floor of my not yet furnished room about boys and life and everything with my best friend's boyfriend.

A few days later I moved in and the adventure started.

FEBRUARY

The semester started in January, but February is when it started to grate on me. I started winter biking and was not prepared for the ease with which one can slip and fall off in the ice and snow. I had class Monday through Thursday at 8AM and Friday at 9AM. I worked five or six nights a week. I was beginning to feel tired all the time, like I was being robbed of all my freedom. Despondency begin to set in.

I was asked on a blind date by the friends of a 'nice guy' who spotted me in the cafeteria at Nolte at the U. They 'thought I was adorable' and 'were just wondering if I'd be interested'. That was sweet and cute. I accepted.

MARCH

I went on a few dates and realized that I didn't have the space in my head or my heart to care about the needs and desires of another human being. I realized, with the help of the people that love me, that all of my time was being devoted to school and work and other people and that I was sacrificing my self and my energy because of it. I had a bit of a breakdown. I couldn't work less, and I couldn't cut back on school. But with the root of my problems discovered I started working on focussing on me. I have never been good at this. I've always been very concerned with the needs of others to the point that I spend no time addressing my own wants and needs. It also didn't help that Winter was happening. It never does.

APRIL

Warmth returned to land of 10,000 lakes and the innermost corners of my life. Spring has a way of making me feel like a million bucks like nothing else. It makes me feel infinite and invincible. It makes me feel like nothing can touch me and that I can do anything I set my mind to. The possibility and promise becomes limitless again when the ice and snow melt away revealing the grass that you always knew you'd see again, but left a hole that couldn't be filled by anything but it's return.

I started planning. I started taking time for myself. I started saying 'no' to covering shifts. I started to really smile again. My days stopped feeling like I was behind oily glass with earmuffs on.

MAY

School was out and I turned twenty-one! I celebrated twice, I fell in love with the bartender who most certainly did not have eyes for the ladies, got kissed by a cute (?) pirate-y looking boy, and only threw up once. Successes if you ask me.

JUNEJULYAUGUST

It sprawled and was over in the blink of an eye. It has a way of doing that. My roommate and another one of my closest friends were gone for big chunks of the summer which was a bummer. Other friends had vastly different schedules than me, also a bummer. I was beginning to feel the chills of winter wrap around me even though my apartment was 100+ degrees for weeks. Sometimes it feels like you can't escape its clutches no matter how high the thermostat climbs. And I expected it to be like last summer which was a complete emotional roller coaster full of magic. It wasn't the same. It never is.

I had so much fun though. I spent so many more days and nights with people I love but don't see enough. I went on dates with an alarmingly attractive dude who didn't give a shit. I let some of my emotional baggage go. I sweated in the sun and basked in the glow of Calhoun every day. It was beautiful and brilliant and I wouldn't trade it.

I saw Beirut. I biked under fireworks which felt like they were meant for me. I rollerbladed down hills at alarming rates and was pushed backward by the wind. I spent the fourth of July at a farm with friends and horses. And as the Summer wrapped up I was read to go back to school.

SEPTEMBER

School. My final semester as an undergraduate. Two classes that didn't begin until 4PM only two days a week. It was going to be a breeze. Apocalyptic Literature and a Senior Seminar on pulp novels and communism. Both were fascinating. Both professors were amazing. One of them firstly, gave me a call to help review for the test and then in noticing I sounded sick (because I was) let me do the final as a take home test. If you are now or plan on being a student at the university of minnesota and have the opportunity to take a class from John Watkins, take it. He is a wonderful teacher and person.

OCTOBER

School school school. Work work work. Not doing research on my senior paper. Halloween!

NOVEMBER

Scrambling to pump out fifteen pages of the barest most minimum adequacy for the rough draft of my senior paper.

I got it back and it was just red. And just hated. It deserved to be. 'You know, Tianna, I think you completely missed the point of the article you're arguing against.'

I had two weeks to write a satisfactory twenty page paper on something completely different.

Thanksgiving! This was a time for me to think about all the things that make me happy and all the privileges and wonderful things I have.

I went on some fun dates. And I was happy. Going into Winter I was content, excited, and hopeful that this one wouldn't bring me down like it always does.

I started serving at Tosca, connected to the Linden Hills turtle bread, a new job in an old company. It's familiar enough to not be really scary, but different enough to make things interesting and it's $$$.


DECEMBER

I finished my senior paper, literally minutes before it was due. And that night I graduated. I don't mean to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of the fact that I graduated in three and a half years. The U doesn't seem to think it's that big of a deal because the ceremony for winter graduates is basically the dean talks music generic student speech the dean talks again the end. Anticlimactic. I'm still really proud of myself.

More dates.

A sense of incredible freedom. Not for sixteen years had I not had to worry about school.

Parties and late nights. Lots of these. Lots of fun. Sometimes a little too much.

A bit of a bummer right before Christmas. But a bummer that's probably for the best. You know, the kind that suck, like bummers always do, but are better for you and anyone else involved in the long run?

Christmas! Family and warmth and love and all that.

And then New Year's Eve. What a night that was. So many people packed into my apartment. So many moments I want to keep. So much love. (A little too much alcohol.)

These are just moments from the last year, concrete or less developed that I remember, that I can hold, that make more sense than the idea of time. It was incredible. I feel like I have done more growing up in the last year than ever before.

I even have a college degree now! Well I don't technically because it hasn't been mailed yet, but I will soon!

And I am still not letting the cold and the dark get to me. I am comfortable and happy. I hope you are too.

2012 was growing up and getting out of my comfort zone. It was new experiences and old experiences in a new light. It was crazy, the world almost ended! Remember how that was a thing?

I have four goals for the next year;
1. No expectations
2. Let go of the things I have no control over
3. Plan!
4. Good posture (I don't want no hunch back!)

I hope when you look back on your moments they bring you what you need whether that's cheering up, thoughtfulness, clarity or anything else. I hope 2012 was good to you and I hope 2013 is even better.

Happy New Year!

I can't go back to how I felt before

I've done lots of thinking & evaluating lately, not that this is really out of the norm, but it's been particularly present and evident in the last few weeks. Here are some major thoughts and snippets from recently;

1. I graduated from college. (!) After sixteen and a half solid years of school it happened! I am really proud of myself, but I'm also a little freaked out. Everything has been relatively planned until this point. Through college there was a logical and plotted trajectory. What's beyond is still murky. The freedom of choices before me is incredible, but daunting. I just don't know what I want. I understand that this is a common feeling at my age. At any age. It's hard to know what's right for you sometimes. To be sure of anything.

People have just constantly been asking what I'm going to do now and I don't have a solid answer for them. I can't commit to any one thing. I know I will figure it out and that everything will be fine, but sometimes if I think too hard it feels all nerve wracking and scary.

The essence of number one is that I graduated from college! Soon I will have a bona fide degree in English mailed to my very own home! It's so practical! ...It's not and I know it, but it's what I love & I think doing what you love is incredibly essential to happiness. Duh, Tianna!

2. The last few weeks have been kind of a whirlwind with this being my final semester, getting into the holidays, and finding time to have a social life. This past week I had some sad times (don't worry! I will be fine!) and you know what, that's a big bummer, but it's helped me to realize the network of truly wonderful human beings in my life. How many people there are that really care about me, that only want the best for me and my happiness and that feels amazing. I can't articulate how comforting it is to know that such special & supportive people have my back and are there to pick me up when I stumble. I love them so.

I also had some really great times this past week. Girls night viewing of Love, Actually, and two dance parties in a row! I just am a huge advocate of getting your dance on. Huge. It's the most cathartic! I used to be silly and shy (and I still am about a ton of things), but I've since learned that the dance floor is not for holding back, but for jumping in. Saw some friends that I have hardly crossed paths with since high school, and that was great. Many good times, but these events meant that I haven't been to bed before 4AM or had more than 4 hours of sleep for the past three days. I was officially a zombie at work today. Like a regular undead.

Also, it doesn't help that I drank a bit too much last night (don't worry, I'm 21 and I didn't drive!). Sidenote: Sometimes this is a really bad idea and you will say silly things that you wish you could've kept in your brain and not formulated into very ineloquent and audible speech. Maybe you won't do something like that, but just a head's up, be careful. Mondo headaches when your alarm goes off at 7:30 are also the absolute worst.


3. It's Christmas. What. Come this time every year I am always shocked. I cannot believe that another calendar year is almost over! It feels exciting too. It feels like come December 31st we press the restart button and we all have a chance again, carte blanche, opportunities we didn't get to last year. This of course is true, but this is true all the time! The 31st to the 1st is just Monday to a Tuesday, like any other week, but somehow it has so much more symbolic value and power. Maybe I resolve to not wait until the new year to make changes, but see everyday as a time a new chance to change my way of being in positive and productive ways.


Also, I think I'm getting sick on top of being super exhausted and I have to work all day tomorrow, my life is so hard. I know that it isn't. Basically, I just want someone to make me soup and to cuddle with me and watch my movies and tell me that I will feel better soon. That would be the coolest.

I feel at such a transitional point...maybe. And that's the bit that's making me think the most. Everything could change or nothing. Big changes have already occurred, realizations have been made, and no presents have been bought even though three mall trips were made and Christmas Eve is tomorrow.

These are just brief thoughts, I will try to properly decompress on the past year in the next post.

For now, it's late and I must sleep my dances off and wake up early and work for 8 hours!

Merry Christmas!

And whatever comes through the door, I'll see it face to face

Life has been good to me this past month. The humidity has been annoying, but it's made my hair wavy in a cool way, so I can even appreciate that on some level!

I've had a ton of fun doing all sorts of things. For starters I visited Emma, one of my closest friends, and her awesome boyfriend Jeff, in Chicago. The three of us roadtripped it down, which was great because A. I like them and B. I only had to megabus one way! The whole trip was lovely. On Sunday we met up with our friend Chris, who also happened to be in Chicago for Pitchfork. We had dinner and just hung out which was great.

On Monday, despite the heat, Emma and I were determined to get out and enjoy ourselves. We bussed over to the lake and took a long walk along the shore. The scenery was beautiful and the conversation was of the all encompassing, total honesty, revelatory kind.

After our walk we headed over to the Art Institute, which rocks. We saw the Roy Lichtenstein Retrospective. It was incredible. I've always been a fan of his work, but never before had it moved me that much. I think being able to see a solid selection of someone's work from the beginning to the end of their career gives you a much better idea of who they are as an artist and what's important to them. Really fascinating and intriguing to see. That night we saw 'Beasts of the Southern Wild'. So good. The little girl in that film was incredible. A truly lovely day.

The next day we shopped and watched 'A Clockwork Orange'. And as is always the case, the next morning came too soon and it was time for me to go back home. I will not say much about the megabus other than it's cheap, which I appreciate, but when you forget your headphones you will inevitably have the seatmate that needs to tell you their life story. No matter how clearly you are trying to ignore them.

A couple weeks ago a friend posted a status on facebook saying that she had an extra ticket to see Beirut at the Cabooze. This show had been sold out forever. And of course I wanted to go. I was slightly apprehensive at first because we'd never hung out one on one before and I can get kind of silly and caught up in my own head about things like that. But there was no need for it. We had a lovely time. The night was wonderful. First we went to a benefit to support some of Carly's friends that are walking in the Breast cancer three day (later I found out that I won a free hour long massage from the raffle I'd entered!!). Then we headed over to the Cabooze. It was a beautiful night, the music and the company rocked and when it was over the Aquatennial fireworks went off over downtown. Great night.

And finally the most recent lovely summer night was a birthday party. I met Chris at Pizza Lucé and we wanted to pretend we were on an awkward first date because that's not obnoxious...at all. But it was his birthday and sometimes..I'm obnoxious. It didn't work, we were too comfortable with each other. After dinner, Chris went to the bathroom and the server asked if maybe he'd like a surprise dessert, to which I responded, 'Of course!'. The server was great, first he taped a candle to Chris's beer and then the dessert turned out to be literally five brownies topped with mounds of ice cream and whipped cream! There was just no way two people could've ever split that. Needless to say, we didn't come close to finishing, but it was lovely all the same.

We met up with some of Chris's friends that I didn't know at Muddy Waters after dinner. It's always cool when you can integrate two different groups of friends relatively seamlessly, which I feel was the case that night. I know I had a ton of fun and it seemed like everyone else was as well. We happened to be sitting in the back by the kitchen and I noticed one of the cooks was really good looking. I preceded to tell Addie this and she said 'You should get his number.' I dissented saying that he was at work and that I didn't want to bother him, which was true, but really I'm just kind of shy. So she did it! One of the many reasons that I appreciate her immensely.

After dinner Chris and I were walking back to his car and we passed HUGE theater, decided to say 'hi!' and were welcomed with conversation, free beer and a party invitation. We ended up going to this party and having a great time. I probably knew five people there, but Chris just kept introducing himself and everyone was nice, so it all worked out to be another epic summer night.

All of these good times lately have finally pulled me out of the stupid rut that I've been stuck in for what feels like forever. I got so overwhelmed this winter with work and school and winter. I felt like I had no time to myself. I felt like I was on the verge of falling apart every other minute. I felt bad about myself. I just didn't feel like me anymore. I was unhappy. But as I have gained time and perspective I realize that I will be and am absolutely fine. That I have no reason to feel bad about myself. That just because some boy didn't like me the same way that I liked him that didn't make me unlovable or unattractive or unintelligent. I'm not any of those things. I'm beautiful, smart, funny, and totally worthy of affection. This is not to say that I think I'm perfect all of a sudden. I don't. At all. But, I've finally realized and am able to believe these things about myself. That even through my flaws I am a valid human being. That we all are. And it feels wonderful. I feel like I've been carrying a backpack filled with bricks and sad things all winter and spring and some of the summer that I was unaware of, but now that I've taken it off my smile can really meet my eyes again. And that is an amazing feeling. So, no matter where the rest of this Summer, this year, this life goes I hope I can keep track of how I feel right now.

Found yourself in a new direction, aeons far from the sun

My last post was drab. I was full of ennui. Truly filled with boredom. And then I realized how stupid that was. I reflected on the school year when all I wanted was Summertime. I'm really trying to get out of that 'grass is always greener' mentality. I'm happy with my own grass, damn it! It may not be the greenest or the tallest or the most uniform, my lawn might not win any homeowner's award (is that an actual thing?), but it's natural and beautiful and it keeps growing year after year, right?

Cliché metaphors aside, my malaise was truly unwarranted. I have a wonderful life filled with incredible human beings that make each day worth it. So I have more free time than some of them which equates to more alone time, who cares! I feel like kind of an idiot for actually complaining about that. It's good to have time to yourself. I've been able to read for my own pleasure, something that I wasn't able to do all throughout the spring semester. And let me tell you, I have a lengthy reading list for this Summer that's only getting longer. And I'm so excited about it! Reflecting on my last post, I couldn't understand what had happened to the girl that could smile from ear to ear just because the sun was out and she could feel it's rays gently warming her skin (and insidiously increasing her potential for skin cancer because she always forgets about sunscreen). It's like I forgot about life's simplest joys for a minute. It's like I forgot how miraculous it is that I even get to exist. And even more so that I get to exist in such an amazingly beautiful world, and one of the coolest cities.

I remember now.

I also failed to reflect on my recent birthday, which was great. I even celebrated it twice! My actual birthday was on the 28th of May, which fell on Memorial Day which as is always the case, was on a Monday. I decided that I would just celebrate with my family and then go out with friends on the following Friday. BUT some co-workers and good pals thought that it was a crime that I wasn't really 'celebrating' my 21st on the actual day. So, following a really nice meal (not just food, but conversation and general good times) with my family, these pals, along with a few other friends, celebrated with me. And I truly had a great time with them! I'm glad they made me go out. They were way too generous and wouldn't let me pay for anything. Really made me feel warm, happy, and loved on my birthday.

Many of these same people showed up on Friday along with a few more friends and after another evening of too much alcohol we finally called it quits at four AM, after I'd gotten a kiss from a stranger. I'd say it was a pretty successful, if not slightly out of character, 21st birthday celebration.

I also experienced my first Pride yesterday. The parade was great! It was really cool to see all the politicians, churches, corporations, and regular human beings out in support of equality. I teared up almost immediately. It breaks my heart that some people are so intolerant and scared of anything that doesn't fit their heteronormative view of the world. Obviously, if I am allowed to have my opinion they should be allowed to have theirs. I'm not saying they can't be opposed to homosexuality in their own private lives, but to actually want to amend the constitution so that people who love each other are not allowed to get married, to essentially say that their love, lives, and feelings are not valid because they don't follow the same trajectory as you is awful. I just can't understand why, in a world that can be so bleak and alienating, anyone would want to limit two consenting adults that love each other because they are the same gender. It's incomprehensible. I guess, as kind of corny as it sounds, I wish we could all try to treat each other with a little more respect and open our minds and our hearts to each other. We're all just people trying to make a life for ourselves the only way that we know how.

Yesterday, I got to experience the tail end of the Twin Cities Improv Festival. Awesome. Huge improv Theater is a truly wonderful place. The people that are responsible for it rock and have so succeeded in creating a welcoming space for the community that presents hilarious, insightful improv from talented performers. And more. I've taken three classes there and on top of having tons of fun and meeting ridiculously cool people, I've gained a greater sense of self, been pushed (sometimes way) out of my comfort zone, and gotten more in touch with my inner kid, remembering what is was like when you could just make things up and really believe them without effort, when you could just play. Not to mention, I've volunteered twice recently and been fortunate enough to interact with some more really cool people. I need to get there more often.

Life is good and today is absolutely beautiful. Smiling from ear to ear.

Help me to name it

It's Summer. I should be ecstatic. What do I dream about, talk about incessantly, and practically salivate like Pavlov's dogs over? Summer.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm not happy that it's here. I truly couldn't be happier about that. The endless hours of sunlight, the heat, and the freedom that comes with that is wonderful. I don't know if I can adequately express what Winter does to me. Sometimes when it's dark and cold the world feels so desolate and the night feels like it will stretch on forever.

It's like that story by Ray Bradbury where there's a civilization on Venus and the sun is about to come out for the first time in seven years and the only girl that really really needs to see it and feel it's warmth has been locked in a closet by the other children. Some winter nights it feels like I won't see the sun again for seven years. Some nights I feel like that girl. I know that seems preposterous, but sometimes...

So, of course, when Spring and Summer come around again and there is abundant sunshine I am so incandescently happy all the time.

The thing that's making this Summer different is not the weather, but the time.

This semester I had little to no free time most weeks. My schedule was dominated by school, work, and my feeble, exhausted attempts at all the reading I had to do. I would wake up at 6 every morning to bike to my 8AM class and then after school most days (5 or sometimes 6) I would work until 9:30 or 10PM. And by the time I got home I was so tired that I could barely get any of my reading done. I realize that some people do so much more than this and don't necessarily have the privilege of going to college and I fully acknowledge that they are stronger, more dedicated, hardworking people than I am, than I might ever be. I'm not trying to be whiney here, just to offer a contrast.

So now, school is out for the Summer, which is great. I still work 5 days a week, but I like that. I work in the evenings and it seems that many of my friends work or have something going on in the daytime. This equals a lot of Tianna time. I certainly know how to amuse myself and I've been going to different parts of the city, discovering new spots. And it's not like I'm just sitting at home all day every day not doing anything. It's just a stark contrast and I have all this free time that I don't always quite know what to do with. That's all.

Also, I was really looking forward to Northern Spark this year. I had such a great time last year biking around the city with a fabulous group of friends. Naturally, I got my hopes up this year and naturally, they were not met because anticipation sets you up for disappointment. I went to the Stone Arch Bridge, one of my favorite places in Minneapolis, and nothing was happening. Literally nothing. There were just a ton of loud obnoxious people on the bridge that kept hitting me with their bikes. I suppose I could've gone other places, but by the time we were done at the Stone Arch the rest of my crew was ready to go home and I was kind of soured on the whole thing. It sounds like other people had a great time, which I'm glad about because I really wanted it to be great. It just wasn't for me. Maybe next year.

The tone of this makes me sound so discontent, I'm really not. I'm really happy. It's probably just this gray day getting me down.